Go to the Up

The last few days have been interesting.
It started Friday. I finally decided that I am tired of running away from social situations and want to change. So I went to Borders and browsed the self-help book section. I know for sure that I have social anxiety because as I was just standing there I started to have a mild panic attack. Ended up getting Painfully Shy.
Anyway as I was at the checkout buying the book the cashier gave me a strange look. I am not sure what the look was, but it seemed like she was surprised that I would be buying a book like that. It was a pretty funny expression on her face for that split second.
So on Saturday I decided to not put off reading the book for fear of me putting it off indefinitely, I dove right in. I read nearly half the book and it was pretty good with some good tips and techniques that I can use to help myself overcome my shyness. But it really helped to have someone able to explain why I feel the way I do as you get kinda blinded by yourself.

Getting hungry for lunch I went upstairs and started juicing some fruit and carrots. As I am juicing away my mom comes into the kitchen looking up the address for a bar. My mom never goes to a bar so that sent the first warning flag off in my head. She started talking about this woman she met in the doctor's office and said that this young women had commented that she could not meet nice men. Of course my mom started chatting away about me and it seemed like we had things in common, anime, role-playing games, etc. Anyway apparently this lady (mom can't remember her name, thanks mom) goes with a friend to this bar every Wednesday.

So as my mom is chatting away I feel the anxiety setting in and my hands are shaking like crazy as I am trying to chop and juice my lunch. I was able to open up with mom and we had a great talk about my social anxiety which I had kept secret for so long. We even continued it in a walk around the block. I have been feeling alot better about myself the last few days despite twangs of anxiety from having decided that I am going to go the this bar this Wednesday. I am not going to chicken out because I can do it.
I think the fact that I know ahead of time that we have similar interests is helping with the nerves too as I won't seem to "out there".

Instead of the ridiculous self-sepreciating thoughts that used to pop into my head even when I did not realize it like:
I will be too nervous to enjoy anything.
I will make a fool of myself.
She won't even want to talk to me.

I just need to keep realistic thoughts.
I may meet some people who enjoy similar things as I do.
I will probably enjoy talking about common interests.
I may even make a new friend.

Just typing out this blog entry has been fairly liberating and calming.
Of course I am not going to the bar until tomorrow, but usually I feel terribly nervous so much so that I feel ill as a social encounter nears. I would end up claiming that I was sick as an excuse to not go somewhere. I would then begin to feel better fast after it would not be possible to attend anymore. I was such a wimp, but I am going to be stronger and I realize that it is not going to be easy or fast and it will take some effort on my part, but I am going to put in that effort.

So wish me luck and I'll post about it soon.

I have been watching the Miyazaki films as they are being shown on the TCM channel this month.
Miyazaki-san makes some wonderful movies, but Whisper of the Heart I watched last night.
Wow, beautiful story and the lesson he was telling really got to me and made me think a bit about myself.
I find myself alot like the girl. No real goal in my life and I am living from one day to the next. As I was wandering around in my thoughts I realized that I still very much see myself as a highschooler does. Now I have always been very mature for my age and when I was in highschool I had a job and was very dependable, pretty much what you would expect of an adult.
I never went to an actual highschool. I was homeschooled from grade 7. I guess that is why I like watching a lot of the anime shows that involve highschool ages, I end up putting myself there as I never had a highschool experience of my own. I never really interacted with girls near my age and still don't know how to talk with them. I would probably end up clamming up tighter than I usually do.
So in a way I still see myself as a teenager as I have never experienced the typical teenager experiences. I long for the close friendships that are developed and the social inclusion. For finding love. I had none of these. I have grown up secluded and alone even amid my large family of 7 I sometimes feel terribly alone. Most of the time I cherish being by myself. Being around people tires me and wears me out. I learned that for sure working at the mall in retail. It ground me down, but it also built me up at the same time. I had to learn to talk to strangers and to break out of my shell a bit. The problem I have now is I had used my job as a sales person to talk about what I was selling, but I still don't know how to really talk to a person. I feel that I am a great listener, but I don't know how to communicate how I feel with anyone.
So what I need to do is finish being a highschooler and graduate to a full adult. I think I need a goal to fully do that. To strain and train my abilities to a specific purpose and devote a lot of time and energy into mastering that purpose.
I just need to find my hidden talent, my gem in the rough. I think writing this blog helps me realize some important things about myself.

Plodding along life's road forgetting to appreciate the scenery.
That is how I feel lately. Just trudging along and not enjoying the journey. And it is all my fault. I have nothing to really complain or moan about, but I just seem to mope around regardless. I am pretty pathetic that way. Still have not convinced myself to stop at the coffee bar I pass by.

I never make New Year's resolutions, but I want to build up my comfort level in group situations. Any time I am in a group, but not able to just disappear into the group makes me terribly uncomfortable. I have become a master at disappearing into a crowd and thus removing myself from the crowd.

I want to spend more time outdoors once spring and summer come. This last year I was barely outside at all and it felt like I missed summer entirely. I want to take a Saturday and just walk the park or head to the beach, rather than be cooped up in the basement playing computer games. Maybe I should plan on spending at least every other Saturday outdoors. The other Saturdays I can help tidy the yard and get some fresh air that way.

I ended up having a very nice holiday. Took off of work the last week of December and just took it easy laying around the house.
For New Years I was able to get up north to visit the grand parents and see two of my cousins right around my age who had recently gotten married. Both of their wives are pregnant and I bet that my grandma is just thrilled to be able to see her great-grandchildren soon.
We played some nickel poker on New Year's Eve and had a good time. I even came out 2.65 ahead.
Next time I see them they will have little babes of their own. I am happy for them and wish them the best this coming year.

My allergies were kicking me in the head all weekend. Being around cats for the whole weekend really did a number on me. Usually I can tolerate cats when I visit friends and when I am feeling good they don't even bother me. But I had been dehydrated and not getting very good sleep at home and with the addition of the cats nearly did me in. Added onto that my grandma made some shrimp salad and even the slightest whiff of shrimp can cause my throat to get rough and scratchy and swell up. So the combination of all that meant I spent the weekend on Benadryl which messes with my sleeping.
It was all worth it though.

Noone really said anything about my dreadlocks except for my younger cousin Matt. He just asked me why. And the funny thing is I don't really have an answer to that question. I guess that I don't give too much thought to things like that. In 6th grade and up I had a crew cut because I hated brushing my hair every day. I kept the crew cut all the way through highschool. Then I just did not cut my hair for a while and let it grow out. I did not really have a reason for that I guess I just felt like changing something and my hair style is a real easy thing to change, you just let it grow. So I grew a goatee and longer hair for a while and then even grew a full beard and had hair down to the middle of my shoulder blades. Then I just wanted another change and would shave off my beard leaving the goatee, I even did a clean shave once. I hate shaving every day so I just let it grow back. I just trim now and then when it starts getting really unruly.

Some psychologist would probably say that I did such a radical hair change because it is easier than changing what I really want to change about myself. I would have to agree with him. I don't know what stops me from going somewhere and talking to people, even just going somewhere is hard.
A few days ago I decided as I was driving to the mall that I would stop by this coffee bar that had opened up nearby. It was directly on my way, but for some reason I did not stop, but just kept driving. As soon as I had passed the place I immediately regretted not stopping but apparently not enough to turn around and go back. I just don't know why I do things like that.
Similar thing with parties, if it is a party with close friends I am fine, but if some friends want me to go with them to a party I immediately get uncomfortable and don't want to go.
I need help.

Anyway Happy New Year everyone!