Go to the Up

The last few days have been interesting.
It started Friday. I finally decided that I am tired of running away from social situations and want to change. So I went to Borders and browsed the self-help book section. I know for sure that I have social anxiety because as I was just standing there I started to have a mild panic attack. Ended up getting Painfully Shy.
Anyway as I was at the checkout buying the book the cashier gave me a strange look. I am not sure what the look was, but it seemed like she was surprised that I would be buying a book like that. It was a pretty funny expression on her face for that split second.
So on Saturday I decided to not put off reading the book for fear of me putting it off indefinitely, I dove right in. I read nearly half the book and it was pretty good with some good tips and techniques that I can use to help myself overcome my shyness. But it really helped to have someone able to explain why I feel the way I do as you get kinda blinded by yourself.

Getting hungry for lunch I went upstairs and started juicing some fruit and carrots. As I am juicing away my mom comes into the kitchen looking up the address for a bar. My mom never goes to a bar so that sent the first warning flag off in my head. She started talking about this woman she met in the doctor's office and said that this young women had commented that she could not meet nice men. Of course my mom started chatting away about me and it seemed like we had things in common, anime, role-playing games, etc. Anyway apparently this lady (mom can't remember her name, thanks mom) goes with a friend to this bar every Wednesday.

So as my mom is chatting away I feel the anxiety setting in and my hands are shaking like crazy as I am trying to chop and juice my lunch. I was able to open up with mom and we had a great talk about my social anxiety which I had kept secret for so long. We even continued it in a walk around the block. I have been feeling alot better about myself the last few days despite twangs of anxiety from having decided that I am going to go the this bar this Wednesday. I am not going to chicken out because I can do it.
I think the fact that I know ahead of time that we have similar interests is helping with the nerves too as I won't seem to "out there".

Instead of the ridiculous self-sepreciating thoughts that used to pop into my head even when I did not realize it like:
I will be too nervous to enjoy anything.
I will make a fool of myself.
She won't even want to talk to me.

I just need to keep realistic thoughts.
I may meet some people who enjoy similar things as I do.
I will probably enjoy talking about common interests.
I may even make a new friend.

Just typing out this blog entry has been fairly liberating and calming.
Of course I am not going to the bar until tomorrow, but usually I feel terribly nervous so much so that I feel ill as a social encounter nears. I would end up claiming that I was sick as an excuse to not go somewhere. I would then begin to feel better fast after it would not be possible to attend anymore. I was such a wimp, but I am going to be stronger and I realize that it is not going to be easy or fast and it will take some effort on my part, but I am going to put in that effort.

So wish me luck and I'll post about it soon.