Go to the Up

Welcome back to my monthly blog posting. That is about as frequent as I seem to be able to keep.

Today I have a paper due for my Tech Composition class. It is a resume and cover letter. I wrote up about 1/2 of the resume last night and then felt that I did not want to do any more of it. I expected to feel anxious about not having done the assignment, but I don't. It is rather strange for me and not what I was expecting to feel. It is somewhat liberating I guess. I feel like avoiding class today and see the fact that I don't have the assignment done as an excuse as to why it is ok. As long as the roads are not real bad, I am determined to go to class anyway. I think it would be good to go to class and own the fact that I don't have the assignment done.

Seeing as the paper is due today, and I guess it would take me at least 1 day of research to find a job or company to write the cover letter to, it looks like I will be showing up at class without my assignment done. I feel like sort of a rebel. Maybe I will finish the assignment and turn it in on the last day of class for partial credit or maybe I won't. I just don't really care much either way. I should be getting a B in the class if I don't and I just don't feel the desire to strive for that A.

I recently started taking Melatonin as a sleep aid. I have noticed much more brain activity when I am asleep. I notice that I still wake up a bit during the night, but I seem to do it in a dream like state that doesn't seem to disrupt my sleep as much. I have noticed myself much calmer lately, but I am not sure if it is because of the quality or quantity of the sleep I have been getting lately. I started getting an extra hour or two. Since taking the Melatonin I feel like going to sleep is something that I look forward to as opposed to something that I tried to avoid as much as I could.

I am always apologizing for the infrequent posts. I guess a lot of the time I just don't feel that I have anything to say here. I try and not let my mind drift too much as I tend to gather a lot of strange thoughts and a lot of them I don't feel like dealing with right now.

I am doing it bachelor style this week. I noticed that I have a tendency to go into mega cleaning mode when stressed. I ran out of checks and thought I had another box of them still. I ended up cleaning most of my room, tossing out tons of junk trying to find the checks. This running out of checks sat on me for a few days until I got my butt out to the bank and got some temporary checks and reordered some. Why do most things that I stress out over so much end up being really simple when I can get myself to do them.

I found myself cleaning the bathtub due to stress and then washing the dishes and cleaning the stove and microwave just to give myself something to do and keep busy with. I was talking to myself the whole time while I was washing the dishes. In between bursts of sobbing that is. I didn't realize how worked up I was getting that I couldn't deal with trying to pull out into this mass of traffic to go to school. This frustrated me and I went home and into the cleaning spree.

I hate that I seem to loose almost all my memory of what happened during times when I get all emotional. It is like my brain just stops recording things. It is particularly frustrating when trying to think back on what tipped me over, what was adding stress without me noticing. What I did while stressed. All so hazy and hard to piece together.

I think if I really get myself to type these things out it will solidify it in my own head. I kinda do the same thing with note taking at school. If I just go to class I forget so much, but if I actually just write down notes they stick and I can recall them pretty well. I guess that it gives myself something to focus on and keep myself from getting distracted. It also gives me a visual element to trying to learn rather than having to rely on my auditory sense.

Well to anyone from WrongPlanet, I feel for you if you actually read through that mess all the way to get to here. If you just skipped to the bottom, good choice and thanks for visiting.

I have been agitated for most of today. I have a new programming task to do and I realize that I don't really have a solid grasp on the things required to program for it. I feel like I have been jury rigging things together for the longest time. Not really knowing the proper way of doing them and utilizing existing code and fiddling with it to make it work.
It is the frustration at having a problem to solve and not knowing the knowledge behind the problem and thus not knowing how to really solve it. That frustration sitting with me all day has made me feel pretty lousy. I feel incompetent, a poser, and not worthy of being an employee doing what I am supposed to be doing. That feeling makes me want to give up and quit.
I get thoughts of quitting that pop into my head. That I am not really an asset to the company. At the same time I know how busy it may be getting here and I have doubts that the few employees here would be able to handle it if things picked up. I don't mind me not having a job, but the fact that my father works here and that I live at home and depend a lot on them, makes it feel like if I quit then it could endanger the company and end up with my father out of work and my family in a difficult place. That said I could be making much more money doing just about anything else. It is a struggle in my mind between guilt, duty, and fear of change vs. desire for better, possibilities, fear of missing out.
Every time I start to think about things like this is seems to revolve around this or a similar issue. I have a feeling that I am not really satisfied or happy with how things are now. As I am so resistant to change it has to build up to the point where I would definitely be better with making the change than staying the same. I don't think that it has quite reached that point yet, but it seems to be escalating towards that end. So it seems almost an inevitability to change, the only question is when. I just don't know if it would be better to bite the bullet and make that change now or wait until later.

I guess it is time to resurrect this thing. I guess a lot has changed since the last post, while many things have stayed the same.
I am still going to college. Only a couple of semesters away from graduating after so many years it seems less like an accomplishment than an inevitability. It is a frightening thing trying to figure out what to do after that. I have an idea in my head that it might be for the best if I just pull up my stakes and dive headlong into university life. Live on campus and everything. I would need to take out student loans to pay for it, but it would give me the perfect chance to give myself growth opportunities.

I had fallen into depression fairly badly a couple of months ago enough that it made me look for some help. I had also stumbled onto a web page for people who have Asperger's Syndrome. Basically it is a form of autism, but a much higher functioning form. I can't remember the exact search that had led me there, but I was trying to find out what is wrong with me. I was shocked at the many things that were exactly me. So uncannily similar. I spent the next month obsessively researching Aspergers on the internet and getting books from the library. As my bout of depression worsened I decided that I needed professional help and found a psychologist who works with people with Aspergers. I identified so much with them that I figured any help I was going to get should understand them as well.

I think I will post later about my visits and what I have learned from her. I just wanted this to be a renewal of my blog and I ended up getting somewhat rambling with it. Gomen nasai.

It is so cold! At -11 degrees this morning. I have spent the last two days playing Vanguard under a quilt with a heating pad on my lap. I had to play most of the time one-handed with the other warming up and then switching hands when I start loosing feeling. Not the most comfortable gaming experience.

It has been too long since my last post. I have been sucked into the void that is MySpace. Unfortunately that squished my efforts here. I am continuing here because I feel safer and can voice my deeper thoughts and feelings.

My Psych class has given me some things to think about and a few opportunities to look at myself more objectively. I really enjoy that part of class. I hope we can continue to do so. I usually feel pretty good about myself after class and usually have some though lingering in the back of my mind.

Now that classes are in full swing and I am wasting way too much time in Vanguard, I have not felt very depressed, but I have basically crawled into a whole by myself which is not very good either. I skipped my last Friday game session partly because I had some homework to do and partly because I wanted to play Vanguard more than D&D. I find dealing with people very draining and being away from them refreshes me and lets me relax. Maybe I just needed a week off, we will see when this weekend rolls around.

I ended up making a Myspace page. You can check it out at www.myspace.com/gototheup/

I think I will end up posting the normal type of blog entries at the myspace site and leave this one as a more personal introspective rambling ground. We will see I guess.

I didn't want to make the last post too long, but I just felt like typing away. It is almost a muscial instrument when you are calmly typing away with you eyes closed as I am now doing. There are only slight pauses when I try and figure out the next random thought to let flow from my finger tips.
Now a poem

As I sit here.

As I sit here quietly writing
spare thoughts being gathered tight.
Netted down the thoughts were flighting
captured now in black and white.

Letters forming living, breathing
beings with a life their own.
While other thoughts sit there seething
hiding in the dark alone.

Words and phrases gently floating,
somber ponders lurking deep,
prideful boasting busy gloating
from my mind the thoughts did leap.

While they dance and frolic hither
'mid the bloomings of my heart.
They live fully 'fore they wither
leave their marks before they part.

So as I gather all I find
they are countless as the sand.
Treasured dearly in my mind
as they leap out from my hand.

As each leaves its task complete
another forms to take its place.
Where word and thought are to meet
along its lines my hand does trace

Like a captured butterfly
pinned for all the world to see.
On the page my soul does lie
recorded for eternity.

Labels: poem

I woke up today with slight congestion in my chest and a bit of a cough. That is in addition to the ever present sinus congestion. So I took some medicine to releave the cough and decongestants. I don't think that they really offered up much relief on this one. I have a powerful buzz right now and am having a hard time focusing on anything. My sinus is still very congested which is the most annoying symptom I had. I am feeling so out of it that I think I am going to skip the game tonight and call the doctor and see about getting an appointment set up.

I just feeling like curling under the covers and going to sleep, but I am sitting here at my desk at work. My mind feels strange like it is not attached to me but rather an independant observer of the current happenings. It is a strange feeling, almost like that of an out of body experience, but one in which you are watching yourself continueing whatever task you were working on. My typing skills also seem to have improved somehow as I have just typed this whole sentence with my eyes closed. I had to go back and add the second letter to the two double letters as I only hit the key once. I was pretty sure that I had hit the letter twice, but you can't argue effectively with fact.

I just realized how wierd this train of thought must be to someone not buzzed out on over the counter medicines. I will probably end up reading this later and thinking what the heck was I thinking. It will probably get edited or just deleted later.

Microeconomics class was yesterday and the teacher seemed a little not quite hyper, but anxious? She talked rather fast in a burst type of delivery. It made it a little hard for me to focus, but that might have just been the fact that I was kind of tired and that I really nead to spend some wuality time with my matress. It looks like the first 6 chapters of the book are pretty much the same as Macroeconomics. In fact it seemed like the questions at the end of the chapter seemed awefully familiar to me.

Wow seem to be really talkative typing while under the effects of cold medication. Although trying to get me to actually talk would probably meet with much less enthusiastic results. The effort requires to respond verbally exceeds that of which I am prepared to muster in everyday activity. I seem to be using all sorts of wierd vocabulary that I normally would not use. I just can't tell if I am using the vocabulary correctly or not. But dang am I in a touch typist mode today.

I don't really have anything going on today, nothing new or interesting has happened so you might as well stop reading at this point as I just am going to ramble for the sake of being able to ramble. That reminds me of the Monk episode where the gold miner writes the library full of diarys that were filled with stupid entries like: My butt itches. or I am hungry. I have no idea where I was going with that line of thought. But speaking of tv I am looking forward to Heroes starting up again. Other than that I don't have any show that I am planning on watching regularily, which is good because I doubt that I will have the time to devote to really watching many shows regularily.

This must be what they want you to do in a creative writing class. My brother is taking one and they want him to fill an entire notebook with random though lines and quick short stories by the end of the semester. Most days I would have no idea where to start, but he plans on just using his ideas for a game he is starting up soon with my sister and some of her friends.

First day of class was yesterday. Elementary Statistics with Mr. Williams.
It went pretty well and I think the class will turn out to be nice. A ton of people are signed up for the class like 32 and 29 or so actually showed up. The class room was pretty full. Not too much work is required and if you skip a homework assignment and are lucky he doesn't collect from you that day. Online quizes that you can take over a week period so I can probably do them at work.

I got Microeconomics tonight. I still need to pick up my text book and see what they are going to do about my overpay of classes. You would think that by the time they require you to pay for your class that they would know if they are going to cancel the class or not.

Took me long enough to finally get around to it.
I am posting a few pics taken at the Botanical Garden of the Japanese gardens there.
Hopefully this works.

I can post some pics from my caving and aquarium expeditions as soon as I pull them off of the CDs.

This should help shake out some of that winter blues feeling.

You can tell that I have been pretty bored at work lately right?

Labels: pics