Wednesday, September 26, 2007
I have been agitated for most of today. I have a new programming task to do and I realize that I don't really have a solid grasp on the things required to program for it. I feel like I have been jury rigging things together for the longest time. Not really knowing the proper way of doing them and utilizing existing code and fiddling with it to make it work.
It is the frustration at having a problem to solve and not knowing the knowledge behind the problem and thus not knowing how to really solve it. That frustration sitting with me all day has made me feel pretty lousy. I feel incompetent, a poser, and not worthy of being an employee doing what I am supposed to be doing. That feeling makes me want to give up and quit.
I get thoughts of quitting that pop into my head. That I am not really an asset to the company. At the same time I know how busy it may be getting here and I have doubts that the few employees here would be able to handle it if things picked up. I don't mind me not having a job, but the fact that my father works here and that I live at home and depend a lot on them, makes it feel like if I quit then it could endanger the company and end up with my father out of work and my family in a difficult place. That said I could be making much more money doing just about anything else. It is a struggle in my mind between guilt, duty, and fear of change vs. desire for better, possibilities, fear of missing out.
Every time I start to think about things like this is seems to revolve around this or a similar issue. I have a feeling that I am not really satisfied or happy with how things are now. As I am so resistant to change it has to build up to the point where I would definitely be better with making the change than staying the same. I don't think that it has quite reached that point yet, but it seems to be escalating towards that end. So it seems almost an inevitability to change, the only question is when. I just don't know if it would be better to bite the bullet and make that change now or wait until later.
It is the frustration at having a problem to solve and not knowing the knowledge behind the problem and thus not knowing how to really solve it. That frustration sitting with me all day has made me feel pretty lousy. I feel incompetent, a poser, and not worthy of being an employee doing what I am supposed to be doing. That feeling makes me want to give up and quit.
I get thoughts of quitting that pop into my head. That I am not really an asset to the company. At the same time I know how busy it may be getting here and I have doubts that the few employees here would be able to handle it if things picked up. I don't mind me not having a job, but the fact that my father works here and that I live at home and depend a lot on them, makes it feel like if I quit then it could endanger the company and end up with my father out of work and my family in a difficult place. That said I could be making much more money doing just about anything else. It is a struggle in my mind between guilt, duty, and fear of change vs. desire for better, possibilities, fear of missing out.
Every time I start to think about things like this is seems to revolve around this or a similar issue. I have a feeling that I am not really satisfied or happy with how things are now. As I am so resistant to change it has to build up to the point where I would definitely be better with making the change than staying the same. I don't think that it has quite reached that point yet, but it seems to be escalating towards that end. So it seems almost an inevitability to change, the only question is when. I just don't know if it would be better to bite the bullet and make that change now or wait until later.
# posted by kc masterpiece @ 12:41 PM 
