Go to the Up

I have been agitated for most of today. I have a new programming task to do and I realize that I don't really have a solid grasp on the things required to program for it. I feel like I have been jury rigging things together for the longest time. Not really knowing the proper way of doing them and utilizing existing code and fiddling with it to make it work.
It is the frustration at having a problem to solve and not knowing the knowledge behind the problem and thus not knowing how to really solve it. That frustration sitting with me all day has made me feel pretty lousy. I feel incompetent, a poser, and not worthy of being an employee doing what I am supposed to be doing. That feeling makes me want to give up and quit.
I get thoughts of quitting that pop into my head. That I am not really an asset to the company. At the same time I know how busy it may be getting here and I have doubts that the few employees here would be able to handle it if things picked up. I don't mind me not having a job, but the fact that my father works here and that I live at home and depend a lot on them, makes it feel like if I quit then it could endanger the company and end up with my father out of work and my family in a difficult place. That said I could be making much more money doing just about anything else. It is a struggle in my mind between guilt, duty, and fear of change vs. desire for better, possibilities, fear of missing out.
Every time I start to think about things like this is seems to revolve around this or a similar issue. I have a feeling that I am not really satisfied or happy with how things are now. As I am so resistant to change it has to build up to the point where I would definitely be better with making the change than staying the same. I don't think that it has quite reached that point yet, but it seems to be escalating towards that end. So it seems almost an inevitability to change, the only question is when. I just don't know if it would be better to bite the bullet and make that change now or wait until later.

I guess it is time to resurrect this thing. I guess a lot has changed since the last post, while many things have stayed the same.
I am still going to college. Only a couple of semesters away from graduating after so many years it seems less like an accomplishment than an inevitability. It is a frightening thing trying to figure out what to do after that. I have an idea in my head that it might be for the best if I just pull up my stakes and dive headlong into university life. Live on campus and everything. I would need to take out student loans to pay for it, but it would give me the perfect chance to give myself growth opportunities.

I had fallen into depression fairly badly a couple of months ago enough that it made me look for some help. I had also stumbled onto a web page for people who have Asperger's Syndrome. Basically it is a form of autism, but a much higher functioning form. I can't remember the exact search that had led me there, but I was trying to find out what is wrong with me. I was shocked at the many things that were exactly me. So uncannily similar. I spent the next month obsessively researching Aspergers on the internet and getting books from the library. As my bout of depression worsened I decided that I needed professional help and found a psychologist who works with people with Aspergers. I identified so much with them that I figured any help I was going to get should understand them as well.

I think I will post later about my visits and what I have learned from her. I just wanted this to be a renewal of my blog and I ended up getting somewhat rambling with it. Gomen nasai.