Go to the Up

I ended up making a Myspace page. You can check it out at www.myspace.com/gototheup/

I think I will end up posting the normal type of blog entries at the myspace site and leave this one as a more personal introspective rambling ground. We will see I guess.

I didn't want to make the last post too long, but I just felt like typing away. It is almost a muscial instrument when you are calmly typing away with you eyes closed as I am now doing. There are only slight pauses when I try and figure out the next random thought to let flow from my finger tips.
Now a poem

As I sit here.

As I sit here quietly writing
spare thoughts being gathered tight.
Netted down the thoughts were flighting
captured now in black and white.

Letters forming living, breathing
beings with a life their own.
While other thoughts sit there seething
hiding in the dark alone.

Words and phrases gently floating,
somber ponders lurking deep,
prideful boasting busy gloating
from my mind the thoughts did leap.

While they dance and frolic hither
'mid the bloomings of my heart.
They live fully 'fore they wither
leave their marks before they part.

So as I gather all I find
they are countless as the sand.
Treasured dearly in my mind
as they leap out from my hand.

As each leaves its task complete
another forms to take its place.
Where word and thought are to meet
along its lines my hand does trace

Like a captured butterfly
pinned for all the world to see.
On the page my soul does lie
recorded for eternity.

Labels: poem

I woke up today with slight congestion in my chest and a bit of a cough. That is in addition to the ever present sinus congestion. So I took some medicine to releave the cough and decongestants. I don't think that they really offered up much relief on this one. I have a powerful buzz right now and am having a hard time focusing on anything. My sinus is still very congested which is the most annoying symptom I had. I am feeling so out of it that I think I am going to skip the game tonight and call the doctor and see about getting an appointment set up.

I just feeling like curling under the covers and going to sleep, but I am sitting here at my desk at work. My mind feels strange like it is not attached to me but rather an independant observer of the current happenings. It is a strange feeling, almost like that of an out of body experience, but one in which you are watching yourself continueing whatever task you were working on. My typing skills also seem to have improved somehow as I have just typed this whole sentence with my eyes closed. I had to go back and add the second letter to the two double letters as I only hit the key once. I was pretty sure that I had hit the letter twice, but you can't argue effectively with fact.

I just realized how wierd this train of thought must be to someone not buzzed out on over the counter medicines. I will probably end up reading this later and thinking what the heck was I thinking. It will probably get edited or just deleted later.

Microeconomics class was yesterday and the teacher seemed a little not quite hyper, but anxious? She talked rather fast in a burst type of delivery. It made it a little hard for me to focus, but that might have just been the fact that I was kind of tired and that I really nead to spend some wuality time with my matress. It looks like the first 6 chapters of the book are pretty much the same as Macroeconomics. In fact it seemed like the questions at the end of the chapter seemed awefully familiar to me.

Wow seem to be really talkative typing while under the effects of cold medication. Although trying to get me to actually talk would probably meet with much less enthusiastic results. The effort requires to respond verbally exceeds that of which I am prepared to muster in everyday activity. I seem to be using all sorts of wierd vocabulary that I normally would not use. I just can't tell if I am using the vocabulary correctly or not. But dang am I in a touch typist mode today.

I don't really have anything going on today, nothing new or interesting has happened so you might as well stop reading at this point as I just am going to ramble for the sake of being able to ramble. That reminds me of the Monk episode where the gold miner writes the library full of diarys that were filled with stupid entries like: My butt itches. or I am hungry. I have no idea where I was going with that line of thought. But speaking of tv I am looking forward to Heroes starting up again. Other than that I don't have any show that I am planning on watching regularily, which is good because I doubt that I will have the time to devote to really watching many shows regularily.

This must be what they want you to do in a creative writing class. My brother is taking one and they want him to fill an entire notebook with random though lines and quick short stories by the end of the semester. Most days I would have no idea where to start, but he plans on just using his ideas for a game he is starting up soon with my sister and some of her friends.

First day of class was yesterday. Elementary Statistics with Mr. Williams.
It went pretty well and I think the class will turn out to be nice. A ton of people are signed up for the class like 32 and 29 or so actually showed up. The class room was pretty full. Not too much work is required and if you skip a homework assignment and are lucky he doesn't collect from you that day. Online quizes that you can take over a week period so I can probably do them at work.

I got Microeconomics tonight. I still need to pick up my text book and see what they are going to do about my overpay of classes. You would think that by the time they require you to pay for your class that they would know if they are going to cancel the class or not.

Took me long enough to finally get around to it.
I am posting a few pics taken at the Botanical Garden of the Japanese gardens there.
Hopefully this works.

I can post some pics from my caving and aquarium expeditions as soon as I pull them off of the CDs.

This should help shake out some of that winter blues feeling.

You can tell that I have been pretty bored at work lately right?

Labels: pics

I chickened out from calling the doctor yesterday. I don't know why I have such difficulty with doing something so simple as making an appointment to go to the doctor. It is the same reason that I have not been to the dentist in forever. I am just not comfortable initiating a conversation especially one where I want the other person to do something.
I don't have anyone that I am comfortable opening up to. When someone tries to get me to open up I brush them off. Even when what I really want them to do is to keep prodding me and force me to respond. I have the hardest time internalizing and comprehending things like everyone gets depressed now and them, because I immediately then think, well if others get depressed and get through it, then it should be a simple thing for me to do also. The problem is that I don't know how and asking for help is part of my problem. I am afraid that others will think I am a failure. Because right now I think that I am a failure. I know that I can do better and so I look down on myself because I am not doing better. It is a stupid fault because everyone can be doing better, even the ones that have everything going great for them could be doing something better. So why am I so hard on myself.
I wanted to type I have no dreams. But the truth of the matter is there are a few small dreams that I have, but I have told myself that they are not important because they are such little minor things.
So to stick it to myself here are some dreams and things I want to do.
1. visit Japan
2. go rock climbing
3. go scuba diving in tropical waters
4. go on a hiking journey
5. figure out my dream job
6. learn to meet people

Typing these out felt pretty good. Sure they are pretty minor ambitions, but that also means that they are very attainable one too. I am sure that I have a ton more lurking in the depths of my mind.
Later all.

Class starts tomorrow due to the holiday on monday. I have spent the few remaining hours over the last week beta testing a new mmorpg Vanguard. It is pretty neat. A combination of EQ2, WOW and a few other games with some new things thrown in. Diplomacy and the ability to influence citys. Cool stuff. I think I will end up playing this to burn away the few free hours that I can scrape together between work and school.

I have always had terrible sinus problems for as long as I can remember. I have constant congestion and blockage in the right side of my face. It almost never clears up. On bad days it drains constantly and my eyes feel all mucusy. I have pretty much had it and have decided to visit a ear, eyes, and throat doctor and see what he suggests. I am pretty sure that it is going to end up being a deviated septum problem. I can see that my septum is bent at a pretty good angle to the left and would likely require surgery to correct. I am at the point where I would be willing to entertain drilling a hole in my head if it would grant me relief. I bet my sleeping would be a whole lot better if I could breathe easily through my nose. I am going to call the doctor's office in a bit and get myself an appointment set up.

I have been feeling a bit down lately and am starting to consider quitting the D&D group. I am reluctant to do so simply because that is most of the socializing that I do. Without the game group I will end up at home playing some computer game or reading a book by myself. I hate that idea. However I am beginning to dislike D&D night. Last week we ended up not really playing the game at all and I had more fun that session than I have had in a while. It feels similar to the early stages of what I was going through with my previous group where I eventually quit and stopped playing for quite some time. Maybe I just need to take a break and do something different for a change.

I whine and moan all the time about how lonely I am and that I wish I had more friends and got out and did things. Yet I never have really done anything about it. I even went out and purchased a book about shyness. I flipped through the book and found that there was some real truth in it, but I never went through and did any of the exercises. I figure that I am the one who needs to make the change and work at it. Nothing worth having comes without effort. I have to get off my butt and work towards being more outgoing.

On completely different news, my older brother announced over the holidays that he proposed to his girlfriend. Today he asked if I would be his best man. I want to feel happy for them, but I don't really know how I feel. I have been this way about many things recently and am afraid that I am just distancing myself from everything so I don't feel emotions as a protective measure. Mom's cancer is the same way. I don't really feel concerned about it and I know that God will take care of her, but I can't help but think am I hiding from my feelings?

Well this is probably one of the latest New Year posts ever.
Took a 2 week long vacation and ended up doing a little cleaning, but not much else.
Oh well, you can't have everything.
Spring semester is about to start and the one class that I was looking forward to, Japanese II, got canceled at the last minute. So I picked up Microeconomics instead. I was looking forward to taking a class with a friend and actually being able to practice and use Japanese more than just in class.
On the plus side I freed up Tuesday evenings so now I actually have an evening to do homework on.