Wednesday, January 17, 2007
I chickened out from calling the doctor yesterday. I don't know why I have such difficulty with doing something so simple as making an appointment to go to the doctor. It is the same reason that I have not been to the dentist in forever. I am just not comfortable initiating a conversation especially one where I want the other person to do something.
I don't have anyone that I am comfortable opening up to. When someone tries to get me to open up I brush them off. Even when what I really want them to do is to keep prodding me and force me to respond. I have the hardest time internalizing and comprehending things like everyone gets depressed now and them, because I immediately then think, well if others get depressed and get through it, then it should be a simple thing for me to do also. The problem is that I don't know how and asking for help is part of my problem. I am afraid that others will think I am a failure. Because right now I think that I am a failure. I know that I can do better and so I look down on myself because I am not doing better. It is a stupid fault because everyone can be doing better, even the ones that have everything going great for them could be doing something better. So why am I so hard on myself.
I wanted to type I have no dreams. But the truth of the matter is there are a few small dreams that I have, but I have told myself that they are not important because they are such little minor things.
So to stick it to myself here are some dreams and things I want to do.
1. visit Japan
2. go rock climbing
3. go scuba diving in tropical waters
4. go on a hiking journey
5. figure out my dream job
6. learn to meet people
Typing these out felt pretty good. Sure they are pretty minor ambitions, but that also means that they are very attainable one too. I am sure that I have a ton more lurking in the depths of my mind.
Later all.
I don't have anyone that I am comfortable opening up to. When someone tries to get me to open up I brush them off. Even when what I really want them to do is to keep prodding me and force me to respond. I have the hardest time internalizing and comprehending things like everyone gets depressed now and them, because I immediately then think, well if others get depressed and get through it, then it should be a simple thing for me to do also. The problem is that I don't know how and asking for help is part of my problem. I am afraid that others will think I am a failure. Because right now I think that I am a failure. I know that I can do better and so I look down on myself because I am not doing better. It is a stupid fault because everyone can be doing better, even the ones that have everything going great for them could be doing something better. So why am I so hard on myself.
I wanted to type I have no dreams. But the truth of the matter is there are a few small dreams that I have, but I have told myself that they are not important because they are such little minor things.
So to stick it to myself here are some dreams and things I want to do.
1. visit Japan
2. go rock climbing
3. go scuba diving in tropical waters
4. go on a hiking journey
5. figure out my dream job
6. learn to meet people
Typing these out felt pretty good. Sure they are pretty minor ambitions, but that also means that they are very attainable one too. I am sure that I have a ton more lurking in the depths of my mind.
Later all.
# posted by kc masterpiece @ 11:06 AM 
