Go to the Up

I have pretty much no desire to celebrate the holidays. I am left wondering when did I get so dimissive and moody. I used to be satisfied with my life, but lately have not been. I have been feeling very apathetic lately and I don't want to slip into a rut of not doing anything because I don't feel like it.

Sometimes I wonder how I can be so messed up in my head. I also wonder if everyone is just as messed up in their own unique ways. I am always so indecisive about everything. If I can't fit a decision into very rigid logical deciding factors, I seem to have no ability to form an opinion about it. Do I just distance myself from it so that it really does not matter either way? Maybe I really need to find some sort of councelor to talk to and sort some things out. Even as I typed that I was feeling disgusted at myself because I know that I am not really going to try and find someone. I am just typing away my current thoughts without any real intent to follow up on them. Because that is the rut that I am in. I don't want to help myself out of my familiar rut, because everything else is strange and frightening. Thus in the end I might take the briefest of peeks out of my rut and then slump back down in shame and despair. I am afraid of making any decisions because I am afraid that I might be "wrong" however I choose. I am terrified of making a mistake. So I don't make any choice at all. I need to make myself realize that it is perfectly fine to make mistakes and that there is nothing wrong in doing so. This fear of making mistakes seems to spread into every aspect of my life. I don't try moving forward in my life out of fear that I might make a mistake and fail. I don't have any goals to strive for so that I won't fail along that path. It irritates me. I know I can do so much better, but I am afraid to actually try.

I just spent the last day looking up counselor info and seeing if my insurance covers them. Unfortunately the insurance web site is completely useless for finding what your insurance actually covers. I will try and dig up my insurance paperwork and see if I can get any info from there.

It is almost Thanksgiving. I guess you are supposed to start feeling all warm inside and thankful, but I don't seem to be getting that feeling. I am not angry or hurt or depressed either. It is more of not really feeling anything at all. I wonder if that is my method of detaching and not getting involved with things going on around me. (Heh I even just said it like I am not involved in any of them.)
I can't imaging what my mother is going through battling the cancer she has. She has lost pretty much all of her hair and her immune system is pretty much knocked out completely. At a time when most of us at home are ill too. When I think about what might happen to my mother, no emotion rises to the surface. Sometimes I take it that I am trusting that God will care for her either way. Other times I question if I am just distancing myself. I seem to be like a calm lake. Alomst a stagnant lake. Some small ripples go through the surface, but nothing causes any waves. I wonder what it would be to feel emotional waves disrupting the calm of my lake. Could I even deal with them if they occured. Maybe I am too weak and fragile that they would break me. Maybe I am supposed to focus my efforts and time on other things.
The last few days I have been wondering what keeps me going through the days. I have not come up with an answer yet. I have no life long ambitions. There are just a few very minor things that I would like to do as short term goals. So I feel that I am just drifting along when I should be paddling somewhere instead. I just want someone to plot out a course and tell me to start paddling.
I am just so disinterested in everything lately. I have no desire for Christmas to come. I don't have any holiday cheer waiting in my heart. And that is depressing me further. I want to be happy, to look forward to each new day. But right now each day is like the last, each week like the ones before. Every Monday is like all the others, every Tuesday the same. I feel like the character from the movie Stranger than Fiction. You could almost set a clock by my life.
I type away that I want to change and learn to be spontaneous a little, but I never do. I always end up at the same lame excuse of I don't know how to change. I refuse to try claiming it too hard to start. I greatly dislike that part of me. I just feel so alone. If I had someone to go and do things with maybe I would open up a little, but all I do right now is run down the daily schedule that doesn't really change from last weeks version.
I know there are others out there living lifes very much like mine. I even read a few blogs that make me nod my head in understanding, but I still sit here by myself and complain that I don't know anyone when the truth is that I am afraid to get to know someone and to let them get to know me.
I think so poorly of myself it is sad. I have a pretty comfortable life, I am very intelligent. I could apply myself and get any job I wanted. That is my crux. What do I want? What do I want enough to go and get it? I fear I just seep myself in so much apathy that I don't care enough about anything to want it.

Getting caught up with school after missing a week of classes turned out to be easier than I anticipated it to be. I though I would be lagging behind in Japanese, but it was almost like I didn't miss any classes at all. We are almost at a learn some vocabulary stage right now with some kanji thrown in there. Mmmm kanji. It is fun to write this stuff, but hard to fit all those lines in and make it look like a single character rather than two or three characters near each other. It probably doesn't help that I suck at drawing.
My outline for Business Law is about as done as I want to make it. I am just sick of looking at it to tell you the truth. I tend to free write my papers and not rely on an outline. So when asked to make an outline I probably end up making one that has three times as much detail on it than they wanted.

Its about time for my apparently bimonthly update.

Midterms are over. Did very well on them, I am pleased. I give myself a cookie. However I have this Business Law paper to write and I have the outline due this weekend. I spent the last week ill and completely unable to concentrate on anything other than guitar hero. Although that isn't really concentration, just rocking out.

So I have less than a week to finish my outline. I am having difficulty googling any valid info for what I am actually trying to get. I think it may be time for a trip to the library. I have three parts to research and today I managed to get 1/3 of the way through the first part. Maybe I can take a day or two off to get these done.

I suck at keeping myself posting here on any sort of regular basis. It has been almost a whole month since I last posted.

News since then. One of my friends just had a baby girl. Another of my friends just left for boot camp. I feel a bit lonely and out of the loop from these.
School is going fine although I only have 2 weeks to finish my 2 papers. I best get cracking on my Business Law paper. It is like 30% of my final grade.

Japanese class is going fine. I am getting great grades and things seem to be sticking. I would like to have more oppertunities to use my small but growing vocabulary.

I don't really have that much free time after classes and doing the minimum homework required. I have not watched many movies lately. I still have one from Netflix for like a month ago. It looks like it would be a good one, but I never seem to find the time to sit down and watch it.

I don't know if it is just because I am a bit depressed, or if I am getting a bit tired of playing D&D, but I had the hardest time coming up with a character idea that I wanted to play. I ended up with a neat idea that should be fairly easy to play out. I am going to try and keep in character and play how the character would act and not how I as a player would act.