Wednesday, November 29, 2006
I have pretty much no desire to celebrate the holidays. I am left wondering when did I get so dimissive and moody. I used to be satisfied with my life, but lately have not been. I have been feeling very apathetic lately and I don't want to slip into a rut of not doing anything because I don't feel like it.
Sometimes I wonder how I can be so messed up in my head. I also wonder if everyone is just as messed up in their own unique ways. I am always so indecisive about everything. If I can't fit a decision into very rigid logical deciding factors, I seem to have no ability to form an opinion about it. Do I just distance myself from it so that it really does not matter either way? Maybe I really need to find some sort of councelor to talk to and sort some things out. Even as I typed that I was feeling disgusted at myself because I know that I am not really going to try and find someone. I am just typing away my current thoughts without any real intent to follow up on them. Because that is the rut that I am in. I don't want to help myself out of my familiar rut, because everything else is strange and frightening. Thus in the end I might take the briefest of peeks out of my rut and then slump back down in shame and despair. I am afraid of making any decisions because I am afraid that I might be "wrong" however I choose. I am terrified of making a mistake. So I don't make any choice at all. I need to make myself realize that it is perfectly fine to make mistakes and that there is nothing wrong in doing so. This fear of making mistakes seems to spread into every aspect of my life. I don't try moving forward in my life out of fear that I might make a mistake and fail. I don't have any goals to strive for so that I won't fail along that path. It irritates me. I know I can do so much better, but I am afraid to actually try.
I just spent the last day looking up counselor info and seeing if my insurance covers them. Unfortunately the insurance web site is completely useless for finding what your insurance actually covers. I will try and dig up my insurance paperwork and see if I can get any info from there.
Sometimes I wonder how I can be so messed up in my head. I also wonder if everyone is just as messed up in their own unique ways. I am always so indecisive about everything. If I can't fit a decision into very rigid logical deciding factors, I seem to have no ability to form an opinion about it. Do I just distance myself from it so that it really does not matter either way? Maybe I really need to find some sort of councelor to talk to and sort some things out. Even as I typed that I was feeling disgusted at myself because I know that I am not really going to try and find someone. I am just typing away my current thoughts without any real intent to follow up on them. Because that is the rut that I am in. I don't want to help myself out of my familiar rut, because everything else is strange and frightening. Thus in the end I might take the briefest of peeks out of my rut and then slump back down in shame and despair. I am afraid of making any decisions because I am afraid that I might be "wrong" however I choose. I am terrified of making a mistake. So I don't make any choice at all. I need to make myself realize that it is perfectly fine to make mistakes and that there is nothing wrong in doing so. This fear of making mistakes seems to spread into every aspect of my life. I don't try moving forward in my life out of fear that I might make a mistake and fail. I don't have any goals to strive for so that I won't fail along that path. It irritates me. I know I can do so much better, but I am afraid to actually try.
I just spent the last day looking up counselor info and seeing if my insurance covers them. Unfortunately the insurance web site is completely useless for finding what your insurance actually covers. I will try and dig up my insurance paperwork and see if I can get any info from there.
# posted by kc masterpiece @ 11:02 AM 
