Wednesday, November 22, 2006
It is almost Thanksgiving. I guess you are supposed to start feeling all warm inside and thankful, but I don't seem to be getting that feeling. I am not angry or hurt or depressed either. It is more of not really feeling anything at all. I wonder if that is my method of detaching and not getting involved with things going on around me. (Heh I even just said it like I am not involved in any of them.)
I can't imaging what my mother is going through battling the cancer she has. She has lost pretty much all of her hair and her immune system is pretty much knocked out completely. At a time when most of us at home are ill too. When I think about what might happen to my mother, no emotion rises to the surface. Sometimes I take it that I am trusting that God will care for her either way. Other times I question if I am just distancing myself. I seem to be like a calm lake. Alomst a stagnant lake. Some small ripples go through the surface, but nothing causes any waves. I wonder what it would be to feel emotional waves disrupting the calm of my lake. Could I even deal with them if they occured. Maybe I am too weak and fragile that they would break me. Maybe I am supposed to focus my efforts and time on other things.
The last few days I have been wondering what keeps me going through the days. I have not come up with an answer yet. I have no life long ambitions. There are just a few very minor things that I would like to do as short term goals. So I feel that I am just drifting along when I should be paddling somewhere instead. I just want someone to plot out a course and tell me to start paddling.
I am just so disinterested in everything lately. I have no desire for Christmas to come. I don't have any holiday cheer waiting in my heart. And that is depressing me further. I want to be happy, to look forward to each new day. But right now each day is like the last, each week like the ones before. Every Monday is like all the others, every Tuesday the same. I feel like the character from the movie Stranger than Fiction. You could almost set a clock by my life.
I type away that I want to change and learn to be spontaneous a little, but I never do. I always end up at the same lame excuse of I don't know how to change. I refuse to try claiming it too hard to start. I greatly dislike that part of me. I just feel so alone. If I had someone to go and do things with maybe I would open up a little, but all I do right now is run down the daily schedule that doesn't really change from last weeks version.
I know there are others out there living lifes very much like mine. I even read a few blogs that make me nod my head in understanding, but I still sit here by myself and complain that I don't know anyone when the truth is that I am afraid to get to know someone and to let them get to know me.
I think so poorly of myself it is sad. I have a pretty comfortable life, I am very intelligent. I could apply myself and get any job I wanted. That is my crux. What do I want? What do I want enough to go and get it? I fear I just seep myself in so much apathy that I don't care enough about anything to want it.
I can't imaging what my mother is going through battling the cancer she has. She has lost pretty much all of her hair and her immune system is pretty much knocked out completely. At a time when most of us at home are ill too. When I think about what might happen to my mother, no emotion rises to the surface. Sometimes I take it that I am trusting that God will care for her either way. Other times I question if I am just distancing myself. I seem to be like a calm lake. Alomst a stagnant lake. Some small ripples go through the surface, but nothing causes any waves. I wonder what it would be to feel emotional waves disrupting the calm of my lake. Could I even deal with them if they occured. Maybe I am too weak and fragile that they would break me. Maybe I am supposed to focus my efforts and time on other things.
The last few days I have been wondering what keeps me going through the days. I have not come up with an answer yet. I have no life long ambitions. There are just a few very minor things that I would like to do as short term goals. So I feel that I am just drifting along when I should be paddling somewhere instead. I just want someone to plot out a course and tell me to start paddling.
I am just so disinterested in everything lately. I have no desire for Christmas to come. I don't have any holiday cheer waiting in my heart. And that is depressing me further. I want to be happy, to look forward to each new day. But right now each day is like the last, each week like the ones before. Every Monday is like all the others, every Tuesday the same. I feel like the character from the movie Stranger than Fiction. You could almost set a clock by my life.
I type away that I want to change and learn to be spontaneous a little, but I never do. I always end up at the same lame excuse of I don't know how to change. I refuse to try claiming it too hard to start. I greatly dislike that part of me. I just feel so alone. If I had someone to go and do things with maybe I would open up a little, but all I do right now is run down the daily schedule that doesn't really change from last weeks version.
I know there are others out there living lifes very much like mine. I even read a few blogs that make me nod my head in understanding, but I still sit here by myself and complain that I don't know anyone when the truth is that I am afraid to get to know someone and to let them get to know me.
I think so poorly of myself it is sad. I have a pretty comfortable life, I am very intelligent. I could apply myself and get any job I wanted. That is my crux. What do I want? What do I want enough to go and get it? I fear I just seep myself in so much apathy that I don't care enough about anything to want it.
# posted by kc masterpiece @ 9:55 AM 
