Tuesday, February 28, 2006
I feel like such a loser
Well it has been quite a while again.
Here is the rundown on what happened on 2/7.
We went out for a nice dinner at a cool Japanese place I know. They have some good food there, I just wish they had more variety, maybe some more traditional style foods.
Anyway we talked a bit and enjoyed the meal. It was fairly late to start with and the time just flew by. I enjoyed every minute of it.
It turns out that she is into Japanese things as much as, if not more than I am. Very cool.
Typing this out is getting me depressed. My stomach is being tied in a knot as I am reflecting on the evening.
Before I knew it I was driving her back to her car and she gave me a kiss and said to call her.
I drove home with a goofy grin on my face.
That is where everything went downhill.
I don't have an explanation for it and don't want to make lame excuses for what I did so I will just say the facts of the matter. I did not call her back for a week. I left a message on her voice mail and have not even tried calling her back since.
I am wrestling with myself because part of me wants to say that it is fine and we would never have gotten along together anyway (why that thought pops up when I barely know her at all, I don't know) another part of me is saying that she deserves better (another stupid thought, who am I to say what is best for her). Yet another part of me wants to get to know her more. Quite possibly to just become friends and hang out or do things together now and then. We seem to have some interests that are the same. I just don't seem to be able to sift out which are my real thoughts and which are just excuses so I don't have to make social contact. I seem to always follow the path of least resistance and end up doing nothing.
Sometimes I feel like the only reason that I did call her was because of giri. Some sort of obligation to call her because she went to dinner with me. Other times I feel like I called because I truly wanted to see her again. I don't know which is the true feeling, if not both.
I feel irritated because I don't know how she felt. I get uncomfortable when presented with uncertainty. Knowing something make it sure, it is certain now even if it will change in the future. I suppose that is why I like facts. Once you know them they usually stay the same and you can rely on it to be the same. The thought that she did not enjoy herself and thus ignored my call pops into my head sometimes. What is more likely is that she was waiting for me to call her and show genuine interest in her. I don't know if I know how to do that. I have spent so long being self centered and self-relient. I don't know what kind of feeling to expect or if it should take some time to even show itself.
I am in such uncharted waters and that scares me. I really get nervous about uncertainty more than anything else. People are probably the most uncertain thing in the world. I can not even predict or determine how I feel, yet I expect to know how someone else is feeling?
I am so lost and trying to find a good christian guide to relationships that I can relate to is like finding a needle in a haystack.
Wandering in the dark with no source of light at all. That is how I feel when dealing with people. I got fairly depressed during the week after the dinner. I don't really understand why, but it was enough where one of my friends at our Friday night game noticed and even sent me an email, so I was probably wearing my heart out on my sleave for a while.
Sometime I wonder if I am meant to be single. I expect myself to be perfect even when I know that I am far from that.
Well enough of my emotional venting. I don't really think that I am getting any benefit out of this one anyway. Maybe I need to see a counselor or something.
Here is the rundown on what happened on 2/7.
We went out for a nice dinner at a cool Japanese place I know. They have some good food there, I just wish they had more variety, maybe some more traditional style foods.
Anyway we talked a bit and enjoyed the meal. It was fairly late to start with and the time just flew by. I enjoyed every minute of it.
It turns out that she is into Japanese things as much as, if not more than I am. Very cool.
Typing this out is getting me depressed. My stomach is being tied in a knot as I am reflecting on the evening.
Before I knew it I was driving her back to her car and she gave me a kiss and said to call her.
I drove home with a goofy grin on my face.
That is where everything went downhill.
I don't have an explanation for it and don't want to make lame excuses for what I did so I will just say the facts of the matter. I did not call her back for a week. I left a message on her voice mail and have not even tried calling her back since.
I am wrestling with myself because part of me wants to say that it is fine and we would never have gotten along together anyway (why that thought pops up when I barely know her at all, I don't know) another part of me is saying that she deserves better (another stupid thought, who am I to say what is best for her). Yet another part of me wants to get to know her more. Quite possibly to just become friends and hang out or do things together now and then. We seem to have some interests that are the same. I just don't seem to be able to sift out which are my real thoughts and which are just excuses so I don't have to make social contact. I seem to always follow the path of least resistance and end up doing nothing.
Sometimes I feel like the only reason that I did call her was because of giri. Some sort of obligation to call her because she went to dinner with me. Other times I feel like I called because I truly wanted to see her again. I don't know which is the true feeling, if not both.
I feel irritated because I don't know how she felt. I get uncomfortable when presented with uncertainty. Knowing something make it sure, it is certain now even if it will change in the future. I suppose that is why I like facts. Once you know them they usually stay the same and you can rely on it to be the same. The thought that she did not enjoy herself and thus ignored my call pops into my head sometimes. What is more likely is that she was waiting for me to call her and show genuine interest in her. I don't know if I know how to do that. I have spent so long being self centered and self-relient. I don't know what kind of feeling to expect or if it should take some time to even show itself.
I am in such uncharted waters and that scares me. I really get nervous about uncertainty more than anything else. People are probably the most uncertain thing in the world. I can not even predict or determine how I feel, yet I expect to know how someone else is feeling?
I am so lost and trying to find a good christian guide to relationships that I can relate to is like finding a needle in a haystack.
Wandering in the dark with no source of light at all. That is how I feel when dealing with people. I got fairly depressed during the week after the dinner. I don't really understand why, but it was enough where one of my friends at our Friday night game noticed and even sent me an email, so I was probably wearing my heart out on my sleave for a while.
Sometime I wonder if I am meant to be single. I expect myself to be perfect even when I know that I am far from that.
Well enough of my emotional venting. I don't really think that I am getting any benefit out of this one anyway. Maybe I need to see a counselor or something.
# posted by kc masterpiece @ 11:21 AM
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
What D&D class are you?
Wierd little quiz thing I found browsing the web. Turned out pretty much like I expected.
Here it is my D&D class.
Here it is my D&D class.
| Wizard 44% Combativeness, 0% Sneakiness, 76% Intellect, 50% Spirituality |
| Brilliant! You are a Wizard! Wizards are spells-casters who study powerful arcane magic. While Wizards tend to be pretty fragile, some of those spells can pack quite a punch. Unlike Clerics, Wizards aren’t as good at fixing people as they are at breaking them, so watch where you toss that fireball… Your most distinctive trait is your intelligence. You're probably well learned and logical, if perhaps a bit fragile. |
 |
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
|
| Link: The RPG Class Test written by MFlowers on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test |
Reviewing the episode
Realized that my view on events last Wednesday were horribly inaccurate at first glance and by thinking through the evening, I do want to learn more about her. I need to let her know that religion is not just a big part of my life, but it is the focus of my life. I also need to tell her that I want to take things slow get to know each other and see if things are clicking.
Called her last Saturday to go to dinner today, she accepted.
A bit nervous, but still only around a 3 as just realizing what was making me so filled with anxiety seems to have helped a lot.
Called her last Saturday to go to dinner today, she accepted.
A bit nervous, but still only around a 3 as just realizing what was making me so filled with anxiety seems to have helped a lot.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Status: Confused
I was not as nervous as I expected to be yesterday.
On a scale of 1-10 I would say a 3 was about as high as my anxiety got the drinks at the bar kinda fuddle that measurement during the evening though.
However I was totally not prepared for the evening. We chatted a little bit at the bar and then went to play some pool. On the way there I was blindsided by some questions that I had never anticipated being asked. It makes sense to want to know those things before you get involved with someone, but they just are not the type of questions that I was expecting when I first meet someone.
I think the evening started out pretty well, but that I was subconciously blowing her off as the night went on. She must have sensed that, because she started asking me if she was scaring me or coming on to strong. I don't think that I realized what I was doing at the time, but I pretty much just shut down completely and shrunk into my shell.
I want to kick myself for not talking with her more instead of trite short noncommital answers.
I guess that I don't know what to think. I had a pretty good evening and enjoyed getting out and being with people. Iwant to get to know her some more, but at the same time I don't. I don't know if my hesitance is just my anxiety saying 'you went and met her and that is all that you have to do, you can go and curl back up in a ball'. I guess there is a part of me that wants a fairy tale girlfriend that just magically drops in my lap through no effort of my own. I need to realize that is a totally unrealistic expectation. I am not perfect by a long shot, so why would I expect anyone else to be perfect.
I think that I may be afraid of being a disappointment, a waste of time, and a bore to her. On the other hand I am also afraid that we hit things off as it is uncharted waters for me and I have always been uncomfortable with the unknown.
I need to realize that the worst that can happen is we realize that our personalities don't mesh well and we don't see each other again. A very plausible result is that we get to know more about each other and enjoy the time we spend together. Even if we don't end up together in the long run what can it hurt spending some time together.
I seem to be more anxious now than before meeting her.
On a scale of 1-10 I would say a 3 was about as high as my anxiety got the drinks at the bar kinda fuddle that measurement during the evening though.
However I was totally not prepared for the evening. We chatted a little bit at the bar and then went to play some pool. On the way there I was blindsided by some questions that I had never anticipated being asked. It makes sense to want to know those things before you get involved with someone, but they just are not the type of questions that I was expecting when I first meet someone.
I think the evening started out pretty well, but that I was subconciously blowing her off as the night went on. She must have sensed that, because she started asking me if she was scaring me or coming on to strong. I don't think that I realized what I was doing at the time, but I pretty much just shut down completely and shrunk into my shell.
I want to kick myself for not talking with her more instead of trite short noncommital answers.
I guess that I don't know what to think. I had a pretty good evening and enjoyed getting out and being with people. Iwant to get to know her some more, but at the same time I don't. I don't know if my hesitance is just my anxiety saying 'you went and met her and that is all that you have to do, you can go and curl back up in a ball'. I guess there is a part of me that wants a fairy tale girlfriend that just magically drops in my lap through no effort of my own. I need to realize that is a totally unrealistic expectation. I am not perfect by a long shot, so why would I expect anyone else to be perfect.
I think that I may be afraid of being a disappointment, a waste of time, and a bore to her. On the other hand I am also afraid that we hit things off as it is uncharted waters for me and I have always been uncomfortable with the unknown.
I need to realize that the worst that can happen is we realize that our personalities don't mesh well and we don't see each other again. A very plausible result is that we get to know more about each other and enjoy the time we spend together. Even if we don't end up together in the long run what can it hurt spending some time together.
I seem to be more anxious now than before meeting her.
