Go to the Up

Well it has been quite a while again.
Here is the rundown on what happened on 2/7.

We went out for a nice dinner at a cool Japanese place I know. They have some good food there, I just wish they had more variety, maybe some more traditional style foods.
Anyway we talked a bit and enjoyed the meal. It was fairly late to start with and the time just flew by. I enjoyed every minute of it.
It turns out that she is into Japanese things as much as, if not more than I am. Very cool.

Typing this out is getting me depressed. My stomach is being tied in a knot as I am reflecting on the evening.

Before I knew it I was driving her back to her car and she gave me a kiss and said to call her.
I drove home with a goofy grin on my face.

That is where everything went downhill.
I don't have an explanation for it and don't want to make lame excuses for what I did so I will just say the facts of the matter. I did not call her back for a week. I left a message on her voice mail and have not even tried calling her back since.

I am wrestling with myself because part of me wants to say that it is fine and we would never have gotten along together anyway (why that thought pops up when I barely know her at all, I don't know) another part of me is saying that she deserves better (another stupid thought, who am I to say what is best for her). Yet another part of me wants to get to know her more. Quite possibly to just become friends and hang out or do things together now and then. We seem to have some interests that are the same. I just don't seem to be able to sift out which are my real thoughts and which are just excuses so I don't have to make social contact. I seem to always follow the path of least resistance and end up doing nothing.

Sometimes I feel like the only reason that I did call her was because of giri. Some sort of obligation to call her because she went to dinner with me. Other times I feel like I called because I truly wanted to see her again. I don't know which is the true feeling, if not both.

I feel irritated because I don't know how she felt. I get uncomfortable when presented with uncertainty. Knowing something make it sure, it is certain now even if it will change in the future. I suppose that is why I like facts. Once you know them they usually stay the same and you can rely on it to be the same. The thought that she did not enjoy herself and thus ignored my call pops into my head sometimes. What is more likely is that she was waiting for me to call her and show genuine interest in her. I don't know if I know how to do that. I have spent so long being self centered and self-relient. I don't know what kind of feeling to expect or if it should take some time to even show itself.

I am in such uncharted waters and that scares me. I really get nervous about uncertainty more than anything else. People are probably the most uncertain thing in the world. I can not even predict or determine how I feel, yet I expect to know how someone else is feeling?

I am so lost and trying to find a good christian guide to relationships that I can relate to is like finding a needle in a haystack.

Wandering in the dark with no source of light at all. That is how I feel when dealing with people. I got fairly depressed during the week after the dinner. I don't really understand why, but it was enough where one of my friends at our Friday night game noticed and even sent me an email, so I was probably wearing my heart out on my sleave for a while.

Sometime I wonder if I am meant to be single. I expect myself to be perfect even when I know that I am far from that.

Well enough of my emotional venting. I don't really think that I am getting any benefit out of this one anyway. Maybe I need to see a counselor or something.