Go to the Up

Paper due, don't care

2007-12-05T11:48:00.000-06:00

Welcome back to my monthly blog posting. That is about as frequent as I seem to be able to keep.

Today I have a paper due for my Tech Composition class. It is a resume and cover letter. I wrote up about 1/2 of the resume last night and then felt that I did not want to do any more of it. I expected to feel anxious about not having done the assignment, but I don't. It is rather strange for me and not what I was expecting to feel. It is somewhat liberating I guess. I feel like avoiding class today and see the fact that I don't have the assignment done as an excuse as to why it is ok. As long as the roads are not real bad, I am determined to go to class anyway. I think it would be good to go to class and own the fact that I don't have the assignment done.

Seeing as the paper is due today, and I guess it would take me at least 1 day of research to find a job or company to write the cover letter to, it looks like I will be showing up at class without my assignment done. I feel like sort of a rebel. Maybe I will finish the assignment and turn it in on the last day of class for partial credit or maybe I won't. I just don't really care much either way. I should be getting a B in the class if I don't and I just don't feel the desire to strive for that A.

I recently started taking Melatonin as a sleep aid. I have noticed much more brain activity when I am asleep. I notice that I still wake up a bit during the night, but I seem to do it in a dream like state that doesn't seem to disrupt my sleep as much. I have noticed myself much calmer lately, but I am not sure if it is because of the quality or quantity of the sleep I have been getting lately. I started getting an extra hour or two. Since taking the Melatonin I feel like going to sleep is something that I look forward to as opposed to something that I tried to avoid as much as I could.

I have no ability to post regularily

2007-11-13T09:55:00.000-06:00

I am always apologizing for the infrequent posts. I guess a lot of the time I just don't feel that I have anything to say here. I try and not let my mind drift too much as I tend to gather a lot of strange thoughts and a lot of them I don't feel like dealing with right now.

I am doing it bachelor style this week. I noticed that I have a tendency to go into mega cleaning mode when stressed. I ran out of checks and thought I had another box of them still. I ended up cleaning most of my room, tossing out tons of junk trying to find the checks. This running out of checks sat on me for a few days until I got my butt out to the bank and got some temporary checks and reordered some. Why do most things that I stress out over so much end up being really simple when I can get myself to do them.

I found myself cleaning the bathtub due to stress and then washing the dishes and cleaning the stove and microwave just to give myself something to do and keep busy with. I was talking to myself the whole time while I was washing the dishes. In between bursts of sobbing that is. I didn't realize how worked up I was getting that I couldn't deal with trying to pull out into this mass of traffic to go to school. This frustrated me and I went home and into the cleaning spree.

I hate that I seem to loose almost all my memory of what happened during times when I get all emotional. It is like my brain just stops recording things. It is particularly frustrating when trying to think back on what tipped me over, what was adding stress without me noticing. What I did while stressed. All so hazy and hard to piece together.

I think if I really get myself to type these things out it will solidify it in my own head. I kinda do the same thing with note taking at school. If I just go to class I forget so much, but if I actually just write down notes they stick and I can recall them pretty well. I guess that it gives myself something to focus on and keep myself from getting distracted. It also gives me a visual element to trying to learn rather than having to rely on my auditory sense.

Well to anyone from WrongPlanet, I feel for you if you actually read through that mess all the way to get to here. If you just skipped to the bottom, good choice and thanks for visiting.

2007-09-26T12:41:00.000-05:00

I have been agitated for most of today. I have a new programming task to do and I realize that I don't really have a solid grasp on the things required to program for it. I feel like I have been jury rigging things together for the longest time. Not really knowing the proper way of doing them and utilizing existing code and fiddling with it to make it work.
It is the frustration at having a problem to solve and not knowing the knowledge behind the problem and thus not knowing how to really solve it. That frustration sitting with me all day has made me feel pretty lousy. I feel incompetent, a poser, and not worthy of being an employee doing what I am supposed to be doing. That feeling makes me want to give up and quit.
I get thoughts of quitting that pop into my head. That I am not really an asset to the company. At the same time I know how busy it may be getting here and I have doubts that the few employees here would be able to handle it if things picked up. I don't mind me not having a job, but the fact that my father works here and that I live at home and depend a lot on them, makes it feel like if I quit then it could endanger the company and end up with my father out of work and my family in a difficult place. That said I could be making much more money doing just about anything else. It is a struggle in my mind between guilt, duty, and fear of change vs. desire for better, possibilities, fear of missing out.
Every time I start to think about things like this is seems to revolve around this or a similar issue. I have a feeling that I am not really satisfied or happy with how things are now. As I am so resistant to change it has to build up to the point where I would definitely be better with making the change than staying the same. I don't think that it has quite reached that point yet, but it seems to be escalating towards that end. So it seems almost an inevitability to change, the only question is when. I just don't know if it would be better to bite the bullet and make that change now or wait until later.

It's Alive!

2007-09-25T09:12:00.000-05:00

I guess it is time to resurrect this thing. I guess a lot has changed since the last post, while many things have stayed the same.
I am still going to college. Only a couple of semesters away from graduating after so many years it seems less like an accomplishment than an inevitability. It is a frightening thing trying to figure out what to do after that. I have an idea in my head that it might be for the best if I just pull up my stakes and dive headlong into university life. Live on campus and everything. I would need to take out student loans to pay for it, but it would give me the perfect chance to give myself growth opportunities.

I had fallen into depression fairly badly a couple of months ago enough that it made me look for some help. I had also stumbled onto a web page for people who have Asperger's Syndrome. Basically it is a form of autism, but a much higher functioning form. I can't remember the exact search that had led me there, but I was trying to find out what is wrong with me. I was shocked at the many things that were exactly me. So uncannily similar. I spent the next month obsessively researching Aspergers on the internet and getting books from the library. As my bout of depression worsened I decided that I needed professional help and found a psychologist who works with people with Aspergers. I identified so much with them that I figured any help I was going to get should understand them as well.

I think I will post later about my visits and what I have learned from her. I just wanted this to be a renewal of my blog and I ended up getting somewhat rambling with it. Gomen nasai.

Cold!

2007-02-05T13:51:00.000-06:00

It is so cold! At -11 degrees this morning. I have spent the last two days playing Vanguard under a quilt with a heating pad on my lap. I had to play most of the time one-handed with the other warming up and then switching hands when I start loosing feeling. Not the most comfortable gaming experience.

It has been too long since my last post. I have been sucked into the void that is MySpace. Unfortunately that squished my efforts here. I am continuing here because I feel safer and can voice my deeper thoughts and feelings.

My Psych class has given me some things to think about and a few opportunities to look at myself more objectively. I really enjoy that part of class. I hope we can continue to do so. I usually feel pretty good about myself after class and usually have some though lingering in the back of my mind.

Now that classes are in full swing and I am wasting way too much time in Vanguard, I have not felt very depressed, but I have basically crawled into a whole by myself which is not very good either. I skipped my last Friday game session partly because I had some homework to do and partly because I wanted to play Vanguard more than D&D. I find dealing with people very draining and being away from them refreshes me and lets me relax. Maybe I just needed a week off, we will see when this weekend rolls around.

Myspace

2007-01-22T12:04:00.000-06:00

I ended up making a Myspace page. You can check it out at www.myspace.com/gototheup/

I think I will end up posting the normal type of blog entries at the myspace site and leave this one as a more personal introspective rambling ground. We will see I guess.

The words that flow

2007-01-19T11:16:00.000-06:00

I didn't want to make the last post too long, but I just felt like typing away. It is almost a muscial instrument when you are calmly typing away with you eyes closed as I am now doing. There are only slight pauses when I try and figure out the next random thought to let flow from my finger tips.
Now a poem

As I sit here.

As I sit here quietly writing
spare thoughts being gathered tight.
Netted down the thoughts were flighting
captured now in black and white.

Letters forming living, breathing
beings with a life their own.
While other thoughts sit there seething
hiding in the dark alone.

Words and phrases gently floating,
somber ponders lurking deep,
prideful boasting busy gloating
from my mind the thoughts did leap.

While they dance and frolic hither
'mid the bloomings of my heart.
They live fully 'fore they wither
leave their marks before they part.

So as I gather all I find
they are countless as the sand.
Treasured dearly in my mind
as they leap out from my hand.

As each leaves its task complete
another forms to take its place.
Where word and thought are to meet
along its lines my hand does trace

Like a captured butterfly
pinned for all the world to see.
On the page my soul does lie
recorded for eternity.

Buzzed

2007-01-19T10:44:00.000-06:00

I woke up today with slight congestion in my chest and a bit of a cough. That is in addition to the ever present sinus congestion. So I took some medicine to releave the cough and decongestants. I don't think that they really offered up much relief on this one. I have a powerful buzz right now and am having a hard time focusing on anything. My sinus is still very congested which is the most annoying symptom I had. I am feeling so out of it that I think I am going to skip the game tonight and call the doctor and see about getting an appointment set up.

I just feeling like curling under the covers and going to sleep, but I am sitting here at my desk at work. My mind feels strange like it is not attached to me but rather an independant observer of the current happenings. It is a strange feeling, almost like that of an out of body experience, but one in which you are watching yourself continueing whatever task you were working on. My typing skills also seem to have improved somehow as I have just typed this whole sentence with my eyes closed. I had to go back and add the second letter to the two double letters as I only hit the key once. I was pretty sure that I had hit the letter twice, but you can't argue effectively with fact.

I just realized how wierd this train of thought must be to someone not buzzed out on over the counter medicines. I will probably end up reading this later and thinking what the heck was I thinking. It will probably get edited or just deleted later.

Microeconomics class was yesterday and the teacher seemed a little not quite hyper, but anxious? She talked rather fast in a burst type of delivery. It made it a little hard for me to focus, but that might have just been the fact that I was kind of tired and that I really nead to spend some wuality time with my matress. It looks like the first 6 chapters of the book are pretty much the same as Macroeconomics. In fact it seemed like the questions at the end of the chapter seemed awefully familiar to me.

Wow seem to be really talkative typing while under the effects of cold medication. Although trying to get me to actually talk would probably meet with much less enthusiastic results. The effort requires to respond verbally exceeds that of which I am prepared to muster in everyday activity. I seem to be using all sorts of wierd vocabulary that I normally would not use. I just can't tell if I am using the vocabulary correctly or not. But dang am I in a touch typist mode today.

I don't really have anything going on today, nothing new or interesting has happened so you might as well stop reading at this point as I just am going to ramble for the sake of being able to ramble. That reminds me of the Monk episode where the gold miner writes the library full of diarys that were filled with stupid entries like: My butt itches. or I am hungry. I have no idea where I was going with that line of thought. But speaking of tv I am looking forward to Heroes starting up again. Other than that I don't have any show that I am planning on watching regularily, which is good because I doubt that I will have the time to devote to really watching many shows regularily.

This must be what they want you to do in a creative writing class. My brother is taking one and they want him to fill an entire notebook with random though lines and quick short stories by the end of the semester. Most days I would have no idea where to start, but he plans on just using his ideas for a game he is starting up soon with my sister and some of her friends.

First day of class

2007-01-18T15:15:00.000-06:00

First day of class was yesterday. Elementary Statistics with Mr. Williams.
It went pretty well and I think the class will turn out to be nice. A ton of people are signed up for the class like 32 and 29 or so actually showed up. The class room was pretty full. Not too much work is required and if you skip a homework assignment and are lucky he doesn't collect from you that day. Online quizes that you can take over a week period so I can probably do them at work.

I got Microeconomics tonight. I still need to pick up my text book and see what they are going to do about my overpay of classes. You would think that by the time they require you to pay for your class that they would know if they are going to cancel the class or not.

Pics

2007-01-18T14:59:00.000-06:00

Took me long enough to finally get around to it.
I am posting a few pics taken at the Botanical Garden of the Japanese gardens there.
Hopefully this works.

I can post some pics from my caving and aquarium expeditions as soon as I pull them off of the CDs.

This should help shake out some of that winter blues feeling.

You can tell that I have been pretty bored at work lately right?

2007-01-17T11:06:00.000-06:00

I chickened out from calling the doctor yesterday. I don't know why I have such difficulty with doing something so simple as making an appointment to go to the doctor. It is the same reason that I have not been to the dentist in forever. I am just not comfortable initiating a conversation especially one where I want the other person to do something.
I don't have anyone that I am comfortable opening up to. When someone tries to get me to open up I brush them off. Even when what I really want them to do is to keep prodding me and force me to respond. I have the hardest time internalizing and comprehending things like everyone gets depressed now and them, because I immediately then think, well if others get depressed and get through it, then it should be a simple thing for me to do also. The problem is that I don't know how and asking for help is part of my problem. I am afraid that others will think I am a failure. Because right now I think that I am a failure. I know that I can do better and so I look down on myself because I am not doing better. It is a stupid fault because everyone can be doing better, even the ones that have everything going great for them could be doing something better. So why am I so hard on myself.
I wanted to type I have no dreams. But the truth of the matter is there are a few small dreams that I have, but I have told myself that they are not important because they are such little minor things.
So to stick it to myself here are some dreams and things I want to do.
1. visit Japan
2. go rock climbing
3. go scuba diving in tropical waters
4. go on a hiking journey
5. figure out my dream job
6. learn to meet people

Typing these out felt pretty good. Sure they are pretty minor ambitions, but that also means that they are very attainable one too. I am sure that I have a ton more lurking in the depths of my mind.
Later all.

Another ramble for yours truly

2007-01-16T14:32:00.000-06:00

Class starts tomorrow due to the holiday on monday. I have spent the few remaining hours over the last week beta testing a new mmorpg Vanguard. It is pretty neat. A combination of EQ2, WOW and a few other games with some new things thrown in. Diplomacy and the ability to influence citys. Cool stuff. I think I will end up playing this to burn away the few free hours that I can scrape together between work and school.

I have always had terrible sinus problems for as long as I can remember. I have constant congestion and blockage in the right side of my face. It almost never clears up. On bad days it drains constantly and my eyes feel all mucusy. I have pretty much had it and have decided to visit a ear, eyes, and throat doctor and see what he suggests. I am pretty sure that it is going to end up being a deviated septum problem. I can see that my septum is bent at a pretty good angle to the left and would likely require surgery to correct. I am at the point where I would be willing to entertain drilling a hole in my head if it would grant me relief. I bet my sleeping would be a whole lot better if I could breathe easily through my nose. I am going to call the doctor's office in a bit and get myself an appointment set up.

I have been feeling a bit down lately and am starting to consider quitting the D&D group. I am reluctant to do so simply because that is most of the socializing that I do. Without the game group I will end up at home playing some computer game or reading a book by myself. I hate that idea. However I am beginning to dislike D&D night. Last week we ended up not really playing the game at all and I had more fun that session than I have had in a while. It feels similar to the early stages of what I was going through with my previous group where I eventually quit and stopped playing for quite some time. Maybe I just need to take a break and do something different for a change.

Doing something about it

2007-01-11T15:55:00.000-06:00

I whine and moan all the time about how lonely I am and that I wish I had more friends and got out and did things. Yet I never have really done anything about it. I even went out and purchased a book about shyness. I flipped through the book and found that there was some real truth in it, but I never went through and did any of the exercises. I figure that I am the one who needs to make the change and work at it. Nothing worth having comes without effort. I have to get off my butt and work towards being more outgoing.

On completely different news, my older brother announced over the holidays that he proposed to his girlfriend. Today he asked if I would be his best man. I want to feel happy for them, but I don't really know how I feel. I have been this way about many things recently and am afraid that I am just distancing myself from everything so I don't feel emotions as a protective measure. Mom's cancer is the same way. I don't really feel concerned about it and I know that God will take care of her, but I can't help but think am I hiding from my feelings?

Happy belated New Year!

2007-01-10T10:59:00.000-06:00

Well this is probably one of the latest New Year posts ever.
Took a 2 week long vacation and ended up doing a little cleaning, but not much else.
Oh well, you can't have everything.
Spring semester is about to start and the one class that I was looking forward to, Japanese II, got canceled at the last minute. So I picked up Microeconomics instead. I was looking forward to taking a class with a friend and actually being able to practice and use Japanese more than just in class.
On the plus side I freed up Tuesday evenings so now I actually have an evening to do homework on.

2006-12-18T15:15:00.000-06:00

Now that I have gotten over my bout of illnesses, I am beginning to feel better emotionally. I am not really sure which came first, the depression or the illness. It could have been either.
I am feeling a bit restless. I want to do different things, new things. As usual I don't really have a clue what I really mean, I just feel kinda antsy.

I have had pretty much no interest in our weekly D&D game. I don't really want to quit, because that is most of my socializing and without Friday nights, I would end up sitting at home by myself watching movies or reading or just bored and lonely. On the other hand I am not enjoying the D&D sessions much at all. I feel that I would rather do something spontaneously, but I am never a very spontaneous type of person. I can never decide on what to spontaneously do. :)

I am torn between my enjoyment and the enjoyment of my friends. I don't want to disappoint them by quitting and I don't really think I would benefit from quitting, but I just am not enjoying it like I used to. I always have such a hard time reviewing things and giving reasons for them. Yet I seem to always plan out and over analyze choices. It is a strange paradoxial condition I know.

Because I feel like it and have never really tried it before, some haiku.

Like silent water
flowing on never ending
time passes away

Still water in pond
troubles in your life are like
a pebble thrown in

Ripples spread each way
waves washing the sandy beach
sweeping sand away

Every day the same
different footsteps are found
on the sandy shore

People are long gone
yet some traces left behind
is there some from me?

2006-12-08T09:16:00.000-06:00

I caught the flu last weekend and now I get to suffer the fatigue for the next few weeks. I still am also still a bit upset in the stomach now and then.
I am ready for this semester of school to be over. I had signed up for another 3 classes next semester, but I am almost positive that I am going to drop one class and only take two classes. After all a man needs to sleep some time. All of the late night classes and then waking up early to go to work had just worn me out. I don't get enough sleep and am tired all day. Either that or the fatigue is hitting me harder than I realized.
Finals start this Saturday and go through next week. I need my rest for tomorrow, so I am going to stay home tonight, take a nap, read a chapter from the book, and maybe watch a movie.

2006-11-29T11:02:00.000-06:00

I have pretty much no desire to celebrate the holidays. I am left wondering when did I get so dimissive and moody. I used to be satisfied with my life, but lately have not been. I have been feeling very apathetic lately and I don't want to slip into a rut of not doing anything because I don't feel like it.

Sometimes I wonder how I can be so messed up in my head. I also wonder if everyone is just as messed up in their own unique ways. I am always so indecisive about everything. If I can't fit a decision into very rigid logical deciding factors, I seem to have no ability to form an opinion about it. Do I just distance myself from it so that it really does not matter either way? Maybe I really need to find some sort of councelor to talk to and sort some things out. Even as I typed that I was feeling disgusted at myself because I know that I am not really going to try and find someone. I am just typing away my current thoughts without any real intent to follow up on them. Because that is the rut that I am in. I don't want to help myself out of my familiar rut, because everything else is strange and frightening. Thus in the end I might take the briefest of peeks out of my rut and then slump back down in shame and despair. I am afraid of making any decisions because I am afraid that I might be "wrong" however I choose. I am terrified of making a mistake. So I don't make any choice at all. I need to make myself realize that it is perfectly fine to make mistakes and that there is nothing wrong in doing so. This fear of making mistakes seems to spread into every aspect of my life. I don't try moving forward in my life out of fear that I might make a mistake and fail. I don't have any goals to strive for so that I won't fail along that path. It irritates me. I know I can do so much better, but I am afraid to actually try.

I just spent the last day looking up counselor info and seeing if my insurance covers them. Unfortunately the insurance web site is completely useless for finding what your insurance actually covers. I will try and dig up my insurance paperwork and see if I can get any info from there.

2006-11-22T09:55:00.000-06:00

It is almost Thanksgiving. I guess you are supposed to start feeling all warm inside and thankful, but I don't seem to be getting that feeling. I am not angry or hurt or depressed either. It is more of not really feeling anything at all. I wonder if that is my method of detaching and not getting involved with things going on around me. (Heh I even just said it like I am not involved in any of them.)
I can't imaging what my mother is going through battling the cancer she has. She has lost pretty much all of her hair and her immune system is pretty much knocked out completely. At a time when most of us at home are ill too. When I think about what might happen to my mother, no emotion rises to the surface. Sometimes I take it that I am trusting that God will care for her either way. Other times I question if I am just distancing myself. I seem to be like a calm lake. Alomst a stagnant lake. Some small ripples go through the surface, but nothing causes any waves. I wonder what it would be to feel emotional waves disrupting the calm of my lake. Could I even deal with them if they occured. Maybe I am too weak and fragile that they would break me. Maybe I am supposed to focus my efforts and time on other things.
The last few days I have been wondering what keeps me going through the days. I have not come up with an answer yet. I have no life long ambitions. There are just a few very minor things that I would like to do as short term goals. So I feel that I am just drifting along when I should be paddling somewhere instead. I just want someone to plot out a course and tell me to start paddling.
I am just so disinterested in everything lately. I have no desire for Christmas to come. I don't have any holiday cheer waiting in my heart. And that is depressing me further. I want to be happy, to look forward to each new day. But right now each day is like the last, each week like the ones before. Every Monday is like all the others, every Tuesday the same. I feel like the character from the movie Stranger than Fiction. You could almost set a clock by my life.
I type away that I want to change and learn to be spontaneous a little, but I never do. I always end up at the same lame excuse of I don't know how to change. I refuse to try claiming it too hard to start. I greatly dislike that part of me. I just feel so alone. If I had someone to go and do things with maybe I would open up a little, but all I do right now is run down the daily schedule that doesn't really change from last weeks version.
I know there are others out there living lifes very much like mine. I even read a few blogs that make me nod my head in understanding, but I still sit here by myself and complain that I don't know anyone when the truth is that I am afraid to get to know someone and to let them get to know me.
I think so poorly of myself it is sad. I have a pretty comfortable life, I am very intelligent. I could apply myself and get any job I wanted. That is my crux. What do I want? What do I want enough to go and get it? I fear I just seep myself in so much apathy that I don't care enough about anything to want it.

2006-11-17T14:34:00.000-06:00

Getting caught up with school after missing a week of classes turned out to be easier than I anticipated it to be. I though I would be lagging behind in Japanese, but it was almost like I didn't miss any classes at all. We are almost at a learn some vocabulary stage right now with some kanji thrown in there. Mmmm kanji. It is fun to write this stuff, but hard to fit all those lines in and make it look like a single character rather than two or three characters near each other. It probably doesn't help that I suck at drawing.
My outline for Business Law is about as done as I want to make it. I am just sick of looking at it to tell you the truth. I tend to free write my papers and not rely on an outline. So when asked to make an outline I probably end up making one that has three times as much detail on it than they wanted.

Midterms are complete!

2006-11-13T15:05:00.000-06:00

Its about time for my apparently bimonthly update.

Midterms are over. Did very well on them, I am pleased. I give myself a cookie. However I have this Business Law paper to write and I have the outline due this weekend. I spent the last week ill and completely unable to concentrate on anything other than guitar hero. Although that isn't really concentration, just rocking out.

So I have less than a week to finish my outline. I am having difficulty googling any valid info for what I am actually trying to get. I think it may be time for a trip to the library. I have three parts to research and today I managed to get 1/3 of the way through the first part. Maybe I can take a day or two off to get these done.

2006-11-02T15:24:00.000-06:00

I suck at keeping myself posting here on any sort of regular basis. It has been almost a whole month since I last posted.

News since then. One of my friends just had a baby girl. Another of my friends just left for boot camp. I feel a bit lonely and out of the loop from these.
School is going fine although I only have 2 weeks to finish my 2 papers. I best get cracking on my Business Law paper. It is like 30% of my final grade.

Japanese class is going fine. I am getting great grades and things seem to be sticking. I would like to have more oppertunities to use my small but growing vocabulary.

I don't really have that much free time after classes and doing the minimum homework required. I have not watched many movies lately. I still have one from Netflix for like a month ago. It looks like it would be a good one, but I never seem to find the time to sit down and watch it.

I don't know if it is just because I am a bit depressed, or if I am getting a bit tired of playing D&D, but I had the hardest time coming up with a character idea that I wanted to play. I ended up with a neat idea that should be fairly easy to play out. I am going to try and keep in character and play how the character would act and not how I as a player would act.

Knock. Seek.

2006-10-06T14:43:00.000-05:00

Same old same old going on.
Classes are keeping me pretty busy and up late at night. I will definitely have to take a nice long nap Saturday night. Of course I still have not read the two chapters for class tomorrow. Oh well. I can't be doing too bad. I had a ton of things wrong in my Japanese Quiz, but still managed to get an A. I guess she gives out points for trying, or she grades on a curve and the rest just did that badly.

The weather right now is pretty warm. An Indian Sumer kinda thing, but I don't anticipate it lasting too much longer.
I have been feeling a little down lately again. I got a smile on one of those online date sites. I really liked what I read on this lady's profile. I had sent a One liner thing to see if she would even respond. It took a while to happen, but eventually she did and clicked on the do you think you click button. I definitely think we would click. So I sent her an email what seems like forever ago.
I just checked and I sent it on the 2nd or 3rd. So much for it being forever.
I have gotten myself all worked up over nothing as usual. The irrational things running through my head are telling me that she is not really interested in me. Why would she a college graduate with life goals want to socialize with me, a person still working on getting his AS and no real career aim in life. Part of me agrees and that is probably what makes it so hard. I want to have a life goal, but I just don't know what it is yet. I am reluctant to make any changes in my life, but being unsatisfied with my current life I realize that changes need to be made. Perhaps ever drastic changes. That frightens me. I don't know why I am afraid of that so much. I am an intelligent person, a hard worker, dedicated, and willing to do what it takes. I should have no problem getting and keeping any job that I want. Which leads me to the next point. How does a person know what they want out of life? What do I want out of life?
I want to say that I am content with what I have, but that is not exactly the truth is it. I do want more. I want belonging, friendship, companionship, love. Just the basics that every person wants.
Most of the time I just want someone to point me in a direction and tell me what needs to be done. I am at my happiest doing something. It can be just about anything. As long as I have a task that I can do I am golden. My problem is I am unsure how to set up these tasks for myself. I need initiative.

I always seem to say that I need this and this is a problem for me, but I never do anything about it. Heck, even the last sentence is one of them.
Lord, give me your strength and your patience. Reveal your plan for me to me so I can go and do armed with your might and steadfastness. Lead me according to your plan. As your Word says, knock and the door shall be opened unto you, seek and you shall find. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Focus people!

2006-09-27T11:40:00.000-05:00

I had my golden 25th birthday a few days ago. As usual nothing changed much.
My friends BD is the day before mine, so we went bowling, had a good party and a good time. The BD boys went through a mini keg of Heinekens.

There are a few, shall I say unruly, people in my Japanese class. They constantly talk about crap during class making it hard to hear and concentrate. I don't get these youngsters. I can say that now cause I am 25. :) They pay good money to take a Japanese class, but they don't seem to put any effort into actually learning it. There are a few exceptions of course, but they are all much older than the young ones. I just don't understand some people.
There is two especially disruptive people. One which constantly interrupts with questions that the teacher has answered three times already. He continuously asks the same question over and over again and just does not seem to get it. I am pretty sure that he has some sort of mental disability, but it is still disruptive to the class. The other person is more obnoxious. He always butts in when someone is asking a question and sensei is attempting to answer it. I know that sensei sometimes struggles with conveying the meaning and answering the question, but this guy just is so brazen and crass when he interupts her . The worst thing is that he is not really that reliable with his answers that he gives. He is one of those know it all types that acts like they do, but is unable to deliver.

On the plus side I am learning Japanese! There are a few people who are in the class to actually learn Japanese for real. One is actually planning a trip to Japan fairly soon and he has been there before. The other is going to be moving to the Naval base not far from Tokyo, so he wants a nice jump start to learning the language.

I have been spending too much time playing video games and not doing my studying. I have barely read any of my Business Law, so I am like 3 chapters behind. I have a test coming up this weekend. My Comp class tonight I have not read any of the chapters for. I got a test tonight too, but it should be super easy. Japanese class is at the point where I am really learning new stuff that I have not gone over repeatedly on my own. However I still need a lot more practice.

Todays musings

2006-09-22T11:01:00.000-05:00

Here is a completely random selection of thoughts.
Lately I have not had much to do at work so I end up reading random things on websites. The trouble is that I am running out of ideas for things to google.

I found a new sushi and bar place that opened up just a couple of blocks from the college. I am going to try and stop by soon and see if it is any good. I like Hiyashi, but they don't have a very wide selection of food, plus it is a little on the pricey side. I don't really expect to find a Japanese restaurant that is not a bit on the pricey side though. Maybe I can invite some people in my Japanese class to come with me and maybe get to know them a little bit. Most of them seem like they are fresh out of high school. They seem so young to me. I must be getting old, ugh.

I am growing my hair long now. It is at the shaggy length. The back near the neck is already starting to do its curl into coils thing. I have though a little about slightly dying my hair to maybe a bit of reddish brown color. I have also been thinking about shaving off the beard. I don't really like shaving though and don't know how long I could go with keeping a clean shaven face.

I love the game Okami for the PS2. It is a wonderfully colorful and easy to play game that is a joy to wander around and look at the scenery in. It is using up all my studying time.

I seem to be doing well above average in my Japanese class. I am trying to not let it go to my head, there is still so much that I don't know or understand.

I found the site talking about a real neat sounding strategy wargame boardgame called BattleLore. http://blog.battlelore.com/en/
I would like to start playing board games more frequently.

I found myself doing searches about social anxiety. I am not entirely sure what prompted my to look for it. I think I will take a look at my insurance and see what they cover for therapy. I think that I could really benefit from it and it couldn't hurt to see if my insurance would cover it.

I have gotten back to doing yoga. It feels great to be able to stretch out and release all the built up tension. I don't know if it is true or not, but I feel like my legs are getting more definition especially in the front upper thigh area. I have really been working on stretching out my legs and groin area.

Fingers wandering on keyboard

2006-09-21T14:41:00.000-05:00

Lately I have grown somewhat tired of playing D&D. On the other hand I would love to play a game of Mutants and Masterminds, but I am not sure if I could keep a M&M game running for long. I fear that my knowledge and creativity for superhero themes would soon run dry and the game would quickly fall apart. With little modules to rely on it would be up to me to create everything.

I wonder if it is the method in which we have been playing D&D that is what I am tired of. We are a pretty much wargame oriented group. We don't do much in the way of character development and such. Probably because we have been running the Adventure Paths from Dungeon. The APs are great games, but I think that as a DM running them they tend to turn off the creativity and just let the module do its thing. That is why they got the module isn't it, to do the work of providing the adventure for them. I agree with that, but at the same time you lose out on the customization and personalization that occurs when the DM creates a game with the players and characters in mind.

I think that maybe a change in genre can enable us to get out of the roll playing rut and into more dynamic role playing and character oriented games. The problem is that I am too lazy to actually do anything about this.

Two good friends of mine are shipping out in the next two months. I don't know what I am going to do without them. Most of my socializing (can I even call it that?) is done with them and I fear that I am going to end up withdrawing into my shell even more when they are gone. It would certainly be a lot easier than obtaining a new group of friends.

As for meeting new people, I have dabbled a little with online sites to meet people, especially those of the opposite sex. Most of the postings are not that interesting honestly, but what can you really tell from a couple of paragraphs? However, this one really stood out to me. I am not a paying member of the online site yet, but I sent one of those I liked your profile kinda things. I think I really wanted her to respond in some way. It is strange how disappointed one can get from something so small and not even important. Anyway, I think I will try and get a decent photo of me and put it up on the site. Maybe I will try and send a more direct message to her. Advice for the clueless anyone? It is so strange to feel this way about a person I have not even seen with my own eyes or even talk to. But the small description just kinda caught my eye.

Any way enough rambling for now. Gosh, how many topics and off topic things did I puke up into this post. Well, Jaa ne.

Internal arguements

2006-09-13T08:35:00.000-05:00

My classes are going fine. I was needlessly worried about my Business Law class. The professor basically said if you do the work you will get an A. I am so far cruising along in Japanese based on what I had self learned online, but being able to use it a bit more has helped greatly. I do need to focus more on learning the vocabulary. Maybe I should make flash cards with the hiragana and the english on the back and learn them that way.
Taking three classes does eat up most of my free time and I have been slacking off doing my exercise. I really want to keep up with doing the yoga. You can already see the difference it has made.
Apart from that nothing interesting has come up lately. I will be 25 in just under 2 weeks. I am both looking forward to that and also not. In a way it reminds me that I have many years ahead of me to do whatever I want with, on the other hand part of me is chiming in saying that I won't really ever do any of those things. It is slightly depressing to realize that I have been listening to that voice. I want to ignore it, but any argument or excuse that I come up with it has a rebuttal for. How do you win an arguement with your own mind?

I found an interesting site Meetup.com that lists groups that get together periodically to enjoy different things and meet with people. There are several groups that would interest me, but right now I am making excuses to myself why I am not joining any of them. The excuses suck and are lame so maybe today I will work up the courage to join a group or two and go from there. I know that there is no obligation to actually attend any of the get togethers, but that does not stop my irrational fear. Curse you fear, I will overcome you soon!

School has started

2006-08-24T10:29:00.000-05:00

I am back in school for the fall semester. I am taking three classes, Japanese, Intro to Computers, and Business Law.
The Intro to Comp is a requirement and is going to be mostly a waste of time I think. Although I might get some knowledge out of the lab section because we will be working with Excel, Access, and Powerpoint. I have done a little with Excel, but I only have the slightest of knowledge on what you can do with it. I hope that I can get some more knowledge out of this class, but if the rest of the classes are like yesterdays, then we are just going to glance at the surface of the programs and spend more time with the basics of menus and stuff than with what you can do with the program.
At least I will be able to focus more time on my Business Law and Japanese class then. I already have a head start with my Japanese class as I have pretty much learned the katakana and hiragana already, but I do need to learn how to write them. So far I can only identify them when I see them, but am not able to visualize the character in order to write it.
My Law class is on a Saturday and this will be the first Saturday class that I have ever taken. We will see how I feel about it soon enough.

Meme

2006-08-24T10:04:00.000-05:00

I had never heard about memes before today when I saw one on a blog.
I grabbed it and filled it out.

I have:

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten my own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than I could afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as I possibly could
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about my life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for my computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Taken a midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer then I was actually in love with the person
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan (hopefully soon)
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized my CDs.
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love with someone and not had my heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than six hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. Received flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Had a one-night stand
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one of my parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror Picture Show
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Created and named my own constellation of stars
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when I knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an illness that I shouldn't have survived
105. Written articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of mine below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had my picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something I care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one "important" author who I missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared and animal for eating
137. Skipped all my school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written my own computer language
141. Thought to myself that I'm living my dream (every day)
142. Had to put someone my love into hospice care
143. Built my own PC from parts
144. Sold my own artwork to someone who didn't know me
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146: Dyed my hair
147: Been a DJ
148: Shaved my head
149: Caused a car accident
150: Saved someone's life

My additions:

-went caving in Mammoth National Park

-had dreadlocks for 9 months

-had my picture taken for a college catalog cover

-had my name in the contributors mention page of a computer program

-watched a foreign show in Japanese with Spanish subtitles and somehow understood what was going on. I took 2 semester of Spanish and none of Japanese

-never had my own room

-walked over 5 miles just because I was bored

-biked 20 miles to get to college every day

Maybe I am studying the right thing after all

2006-08-17T15:22:00.000-05:00

You Are An ISTJ

The Duty Fulfiller

You are responsible, reliable, and hardworking - you get the job done.

You prefer productive hobbies, like woodworking or knittings.

Quiet and serious, you are well prepared for whatever life hands you.

Conservative and down-to-earth, you hardly ever do anything crazy.

You would make a great business executive, accountant, or lawyer.

What's Your Personality Type?

I happen to be studying for accounting.

Past events shaping the current

2006-08-17T10:59:00.000-05:00

I have been siting here just letting my mind wander while reading a blog about a couples two young daughters and their experiences and adventures in life. It got me thinking about my own childhood and the experiences that I have had.
I had a pretty easy childhood. Sure there were the chores that needed to be done on time. Especially the dishes. My brother and I alternated days of dish washing. The problem was we got lazy and ended up with lots of still dirty dishes. The solution if you had dishes that were not clean you got to rewash them and got the next days dishes to do. I remember doing dishes for over a solid week because I could not get them all clean. After our attitudes got adjusted the inspections got more lenient and we were allowed a few dished to slip past dirty. I wonder if this helped attribute to my want of perfection. I hate seeing something being done partially or half hearted. I always want to make the person immediately redo the task correctly, sometimes even resorting to redoing it myself after they leave.
I wonder how much effect a single occurance in life can have or does it take a number of occurances to make a lasting impression.
Take one of my school age plays that we had to perform in. I was always more of a quiet sort of kid, but I think that I only had the normal stage fright that everyone gets.
During one of our school plays we were singing a pirate song and all of a sudden the entire class skipped an entire verse, except for me. I faltered a bit and was unsure who had made the error. After a short pause and regaining my mental footing I started to feel both angry that all the others were singing the song wrong, but I also felt terribly embarassed because all the parents watching did not know that I was singing it correctly, they could only think that I was the one singing wrong.
Today I get terrible stage fright when doing any kind of public speaking. When I took my speach class at college it was real hard for me to deliver the speech in front of the class. I was terrified at making an error. Through the weeks of the course and delivering several speeches the fright did noticably lessen and got easier after each speech. It has been a few years since that class and I know I have slipped back into my previous mode of thinking and I want to get out of that way of fearing mistakes.
Does a single event like my play create an excessive fear of public display, or is it just a part of a series of events? Did the first event cause me to withdraw a bit and subsequent events cause me to shrink back more and more? Does it even matter how I came to be the way I am? Or is the way I want to be the only thing that really matters?

Something to think about when there is nothing else on my mind.
On a completely different tangent, I want to find a nice coffee/tea house. One that is not just a branch of a national/international chain. I think that such a place would be a great place to go and relax, let my mind wander and maybe read a good book or two in. Anyone know of any in my area?

I am back

2006-08-15T13:08:00.000-05:00

Where to start. I got back from my vacation a little early, but only by a day or so.
I think I will give a basic overview of my adventure.
Sunday we had our family reunion up in Wisconsin and I left on my vacation straight from there. So all Sunday afternoon and evening I drove down to Kentucky.
I stayed at a motel in Cave City Kentucky and visited the Mammoth Caves the next day. I went on the Historical Tour. This was the first time I had ever been inside of a cave before. It was amazing. I was not expecting some of the caves to be so huge. The temps in the cave are 54 all year round so it was a nice break from the 90s outside.
I left from there and started off down to Florida Monday afternoon.
I ended up stopping at a motel about 3 hours from Tampa.
Tuesday morning I finished my drive to Tampa and drove around the city a bit getting my bearings.
I went for a walk along the beach. Unfortunately the beaches were closed due to run off water. The temperature was pretty high in the upper 90s. My car does not have air conditioning, so the only cooling I got was from driving and drinking a ton of water. I also went for a walk in one of the more suburban areas of Tampa.
I was starting to get a little sunburned so I went inside and went to bed early so I would be refreshed for the next morning.
Wednesday I had planned on visiting Busch Gardens, but I was feeling a little worn down. I had not eaten much the last few days so I figured a good breakfast was the best wat to start the day. I stopped at an Ihop and had some pancakes, but I had almost no appetite. It was difficult for me to eat them as I was feeling a bit queasy. I decided that spending the rest of the day in the sun at Busch was probably not going to help me any.
I instead went to the Florida Aquarium. I have not been to an aquarium since my grade school days. The exhibits there were amazing. The plexiglass walls in the wetlands dome were only 3 feet tall so you could lean over the tank and see the fish and turtles from above as well as from the side. There were the wetlands birds just free to fly about the dome and they would hop right above your heads. It was like they took a section of the wetlands and just moved it inside a building. I took a bunch of pictures at the aquarium. I am getting the film developed and put onto a CD as well. That should make it easier for me to post some soon.
I went on the Behind the Scenes tour which was a little bit disappointing, but was worth it when I got to help feed the fish. I think I got some good photos of the fish swarming the surface of the water to eat.
I also bought a ticket to the dolphin tour out into the Tampa Bay. It was my first time being on a boat like that and getting to see dolphins swimming nearby. I enjoyed it greatly.
From what I had seen on the news last night Tampa was supposed to get some rain and thunder storms heading in soon. I decided that I would rather beat them on the way out, so I left and headed back to Kentucky.
I had enjoyed the tour at Mammoth Caves so much I wanted to go on another. I had seen that they offer a Wild Cave tour where instead of just walking along a paved path through the cave with a hundred other tourists, you get to crawl around in the dirt and scale rocks, squeeze through the tunnels. I immediately wanted to go on that tour.
So I drove all of Wednesday all the way into Thursday morning and drove straight back to Kentucky. I found out that the Wild Cave tour was already sold out, so I went on one of the other tours to the Frozen Niagra section. As I was waiting for my tour time I decided to ask if they had any Wild Caves for Friday available. It turns out that there was one ticket left! I snatched it up immediately.
I enjoyed the Frozen Niagra tour. There were cave formations that were quite amazing to see there. By the end of the tour fatigue and lack of sleep were catching up to me so I went and crashed at the Days Inn in Cave City. I fell asleep for about 4 hours when I woke up to a torrential rain storm. It was pouring buckets of water outside and the parking lot was flooding. I dashed out and rolled up my windows all the way.
I watched some TV, dried the jeans I was going to wear on the crawl tour and waited for the rain to stop. I then went to a local diner Jerry's I think it was called and had delicious liver and onions with green beans and mashed potatoes. I also had a slice of excellent pecan pie. The waitress was so nice, she did not charge me for the pie because she made me wait a while. I left her a nice tip.
Back at the motel with a full belly I dozed off to sleep after finishing off the rest of the peaches I bought down in Georgia.
I woke up bright and ready to go in the morning ate some breakfast and headed to the park.
We were short 4 people for the tour so there were only 10 of us.
Our guides Nichole and Nick took us down the New Entrance after equipping us with our helmets, helmet lights, and kneepads. The first thing they took us through were a series of crawls. Some of the crawls are so small and narrow that you basically had to pick a side to turn your head because you could not turn it until you got to the other side. We then did all sorts of climbing on rock piles, canyone walking across gorges. It was exhilirating. The size of some of the caves are amazing when you are walking the tourist path, but are just breathtaking when you are actually caving through it. Our group was really enthusiastic and fit. We were making great time and not having any trouble with the climbs so the guides led us on the harder routes that they normally don't get the chance to go on. We got to make more crawls and more challenging crawls than most groups ever do. The people I was with were verry friendly and even shared some of the food with me because I had forgotten to grab some granola bars to take with me.
Our crawl was 5 1/2 miles over rocks, canyons, and tunnels and it took us about 6 hours to move that distance with the break for lunch included. It was the most amazing 6 hours in my life. I was charged up and alive when scaling the rocks. Normally I don't like heights at all, but I had no problem climbing down the cave walls with a drop of 30 feet below me, even with no protective harness of ropes to keep me from falling. It was awesome. I enjoyed myself so much that I think I will look into any caving groups based in my area and see if I can't join one and go on caving expeditions every now and then.

Well I guess that is enough rambling for now. I will see if I can figure out how you post pictures once I get my film back.
Later.

Time going on

2006-08-02T16:01:00.000-05:00

Vacation time is coming up soon. I can hardly wait. Only a few days left and I am free, absolutely free for a week. I will see about grabbing a camera and taking some pics of the sights along the way.

That reminds me, I never did post any of the pictures I took when I went to the Botanical Gardens. Most of them were not very good anyways.

Hot and muggy

2006-07-28T12:03:00.000-05:00

Wow the temperature around here is getting hot! The humidity is so high as well.
At times despite the heat I have had the urge to get up and exercise. I try and wait till the evening at least, but I have started running again. After 5 weeks of not doing any running at all I have lapsed somewhat, but I thought I did pretty well considering the heat and humidity. After the run my foot was bothering me, so the healing is still not complete.

Summer semester is over. I did well in my Macroeconomics class. I am not positive that I got an A. I was at 92% before the final, but the final is 1/3 of the grade, so a few too many wrong and I will drop down to a B. Either way it is one class down and 12 more to go before I complete my Associates in Applied Science (Accounting) degree. I am taking 2 of the 12 in the fall semester plus a beginner Japanese class just for fun.

Now that classes are over for a few weeks I am taking a vacation the second week of August. I have kinda aimed at driving down to Florida and doing some sight seeing. This should be interesting as I have never really done anything like this before. All my previous vacations I would spend the week lounging around the house not really doing anything. Now I plan on doing a little snorkling, lounge at the beach doing some people watching, maybe do a bit of shopping, try some local food. I hope to summon enough courage to stop by a few bars and mingle with people while I am there. I might get a bit wild and stop in at a barber and get a trim, maybe even a shave. I think to get the most out of my vacation I will need to interact with people and maybe with the location being so far from home that I will likely never see any of them again it should be easier to deal with them. No repercussions with having to deal with them in the future.

On the other hand, I just noticed GenCon is running like the 11th to 13th, the last part of my vacation. I almost feel like attending GenCon instead, but I feel like that would be shirking the unknown, the uncertainty which is to tell the truth kinda fightening to me. I think if I go to GenCon, the most I will do is make a stop on the way home on Sunday.

I am looking forward to my vacation as it feels like this will be my first real vacation. No being hauled around with the rest of the family, rather I am free to do anything that I want.

2006-07-11T14:54:00.000-05:00

Time for my irregularily scheduled update.
Still chugging along in my Macroeconomics class. Got a Quiz and a Test next week. Class ends in just three more weeks. So with two weeks of break before the fall semester starts I decided to take a week off of work and get out and take an actual vacation.
I don't know what I am going to do exactly, I would like to go somewhere exotic. Maybe drive out and visit the Grand Canyon or something like that. Or maybe go and visit the ocean around Florida, go diving, maybe fishing on the ocean. I just don't know which I would rather do. I have to decide soon or I am going to just putz around the house all week and get nothing interesting done. Even when growing up we never really took any vacations. The closest to an actual vacation that I can remember is when we went to the Greenfield Village in Michigan. It is a village made up of old, historical buildings actually moved to that location. So all the buildings there are actually the original ones. It was pretty neat, but it was like a week long history class, so I don't really count it as a vacation. So I feel it would be a nice treat to go out and just do something new and exciting.

Finally some good movies are coming out. I saw Superman Returns. I thought it was very good and the special effects were pretty cool. I was not blown away by the plot, but some of the action scenes had me feeling some awe. I am looking forward to seeing the new Pirates of the Carribean Dead Man's Chest. I really liked the original one and I have heard some people say that the sequel is as good if not better. I am intrigued by A Scanner Darkly or whatever that movie is. It seems to be the off beat type of film that is usually quite interesting. I don't know if it will ever play in a theater near me though so I might have to wait and get it on DVD through Netflix. (I should really get some sort of kickback every time I talk about them.)

I am thinking of taking a full class schedule for the Fall semester. If I can pull it off, I can get my Associates degree in one year. Not too shabby. I also am going to take some Japanese classes so when I eventually get my butt over there I can hopefully be coherent enough to blunder my way around.

In other news, my foot's condition has stagnated. It doesn't seem to be getting better, but it is not really getting worse either. So I still hobble along, but I am able to alternate periodically with normal walking. It is rather frustrating that my foot has not recovered yet.
Despite the foot pain I got tired of just sitting around all day so I have started trying to jog around the block. My foot twinged with every step for a little while, but the pain went away about halfway around. Towards the end though it had enough and was telling me to sit my butt down and rest. At least I was able to get a bit of exercise. I want to get rid of my extra pounds. I totally have the ability to do so, I just gotta put some effort towards it.

I feel like some of my main interests have been shifting in the last few months. I still like anime, but I have been watching much more foreign films. I still have many series to watch sitting on my computer, but with school and such, I have not really watched many of them, I just have not had the desire to sit down and view them.

Lately I have been feeling a bit lonely. I don't know many people and I seldom get to do things with them. All my time with other people seems to be restricted to a few weekly scheduled periods of time. Maybe that is normal, I don't really know, but I feel like I need some friends who will call me up and ask if I want to go with them to see a band, or go check out this restaurant that they heard of. Maybe I need to find a group that does things like that. A established group would also give me more of a nudge to actually go out and do things rather than making up some lame excuse to not attend.

Still Limping

2006-06-30T09:47:00.000-05:00

Yep. That is right still hobbling along on one foot. The swelling and bruises are completely gone and the pain was almost gone about a week ago, but recently the pain has come back something fierce.
I was just about walking on it normally and now am back to barely putting any weight on it.
On the plus side it seems like all the walking on the side of my foot seems to be building up an arch on that foot. Now I just need to make one on the other foot.
Consequently I have not been able to go back to the martial arts class which has got me pretty bummed.

My class is going well. I aced the first quiz and got a 96 on the first Exam. The second quiz I think I may have missed a couple, but no worries. I have got the take home questions to do for the second Exam next Wednesday.

Other than that I have started trying to read a manga in the Japanese. Wow, talk about tough. I am starting to get the basics of how to look up things, but putting all the little pieces together are eluding me so far. Just reading the kanji though seems to get the majority of the meaning across. But the other hiragana seem to make up most of the modifiers and context. So I could be misinterpreting things completely. I have almost made it through the first page though.

I just want to repeat how much I love Netflix. It is an awesome service. So far I have not experienced any slow down or with holding of titles to reduce the number I am renting. That is probably because I am not getting the current, popular titles. Most of them are foreign films that probably are not rented that often. I have been able to watch some fantastic films though. A recent good one is The Happiness of the Katakuris. A japanese indie film, it is best described as a Comedy/Horror/Musical. I will let you picture how that works, but watch it if you can, it is good.

2006-06-15T12:27:00.000-05:00

Tuesday I was invited by a friend to go with him to his Tae Kwon Do class.
It was pretty awesome. Learned some basic kicking techniques. I was doing alright up to near the end where we were doing right kick, left punch, right punch, left kick and then punches, kicks again, etc...
I had a nice rythum down until one of my left kicks was horribly fumbled. I did not pivot my hips or lift my leg up as much as I was supposed to so I ended up kicking my foot sideways into the bag instead of using the top of my foot. I felt the pain right away, but it was fairly minor.
However it steadily got worse. By the time I got home it was a little swollen. Put some ice on it and went to bed. Yesterday it was swollen even worse and I could barely put any weight on it. I ended up hobbling around work and to class. This morning however the swelling has gone down considerably. It still pains me to stand on it, but I think in a few more days I should be as right as rain.

My Economics class is going all right. I really need to read through the chapters again. Our first quiz is next Monday with our first Exam the following Wednesday. Time to study up. I was still a bit uncertain on many things during class. I may pick up that study guide after all.

New season, New stuff to do

2006-06-09T11:38:00.000-05:00

I don't seem to be able to post with any kind of regularity. Oh well, at least I have not abandoned it all together.

Some things I have been doing lately:
Learning Japanese
Going back to college
Not sleeping enough
Running

I has started to dabble a bit in learning some Japanese. Right now I am focusing more on the reading part of it as I found this neat little program calle Slime Forest. It is a cool shareware program that helps teach you hiragana, katakana, and even kanji as you beat cute little slimes into the after life. I know pretty much all of the hiragana and katakana and I know about 55 kanji already. Sweet! I also picked up a Japanese dictionary and a couple of original Japanese manga to read. I have not started on that yet, but I can't think of a better way of learning words for me.

Back to college, taking Macroeconomics course. Shouldn't be too hard as long as I don't fall behind in the readings.

Don't have a whole lot to say about this one other than. Curse you video games!

I have been trying to shed the little pot belly I grew and so have started to do some aerobic exercising in addition to the weight lifting that I have been doing. Running is kind of a love/hate relationship for me. I seem to be liking it more as I run more thought. I am able to run about 1 mile before I get to tired to continue. Yesterday though after my run I seemed to recover very fast and felt like I could run even farther. I was also able to touch the ground with my legs straight for the first time that I can remember. So that was pretty cool.

Summer semester

2006-05-16T13:27:00.000-05:00

Spring is in full swing and the Summer semester is coming soon.
I have finally gotten around to going back to school and finishing my Associates. I feel a bit mixed on the subject. On one hand it would be a good accomplishment and enable me to continue my education and work toward getting my Bachelors degree. On the other hand it is not cheap and will drain my already low fundage. I have cut back decently with my spending already. My anime purchases have slowed to a mere trickle. Netflix has picked up a lot of that slack. I can watch anime legally without purchasing it. I have been increasingly interested in live action Japanese shows and movies lately. I enjoy the pacing of Japanese films, it is so much slower paced than most American films, but has its moments of action. It is like a dance, rapid advancement with pauses for you to catch your breath.

Back to the main topic. I am taking a single Economics class this summer semester. It is a retake of one I took in an online course. I ended up with a F in it because my teacher never got my final paper. I resent it to him, but did not check back to confirm that he had received it. I was feeling pretty burned out at that point. So I gots to take it over. Which is good because I don't remember a thing from that class.
I have started trying to learn some Japanese with a tape/book set from the library. It is going to be interesting, but I should be able to find plenty of materials to practice with. Perhaps I will take a Japanese course at CLC this Fall and keep an eye out for class trips to Japan. That might be a great way to be able to visit. It would give me a taste of what it is like to travel and then I could plan a trip of my own.

It seems like such a long time to wait, yet the days seem to flow past. I wish I could remember and learn faster without being so distracted by games and TV.

Na na na... Potato!

2006-05-10T15:44:00.000-05:00

Spent last Saturday burning things in the backyard.
I had a huge pile of branches going real hot so that I would not be out there all day.
I was raking all the braches into this pile so keep it more or less in one spot.
What I did not notice was how hot parts of the ground were getting while I was walking through the ash from the dead and dry grass while doing this raking.
My poor shoes are kinda melted. Oh well, I was needing to get new ones soon anyway. The 10+ mile hike to the gardens last week kinda did them in a bit.

I also caught my sister's cold. She was staked out in my room all Monday couching and breathing germs everywhere. So by Tuesday morning they had taken over. Sore throat, nasty sounding voice, some coughing, and a head full of congealed snot left me incapacitated. In response to the invaders I bundled up, slept late, and then proceeded to watch a lot of Japanese TV shows. 'Say you love me' is a great J Drama about a budding actor and a deaf painter. I swear it was the cold leaking out of my eyes, I was not crying. I have been watching the show Densha Otoko a fiction story based on a real life happening. The story is about a major otaku rescues a girl on a train from a drunk lecher. He relys on advice from on online message board on how to deal with girls. A cute, silly at times show that struck a bit close to home for me. I also downloaded the Chinese drama Twin of Brothers. Looks like it is chock full of flying wuxia action. Neato!
My battle plan was flawless, the germs are on the run. I am back at work today.

I need some friends who like to get out once in a while. Even once a month or every other week would be fantastic. I want to go places, try out restaraunts, bars, etc... but I don't feel like going alone. Anyone interested?

Why is thinking up titles for things so difficult. Well maybe it would be easier if I was posting about something instead of whatever happened to cross my mind as I sit here typing.

Urban Hiking

2006-05-01T14:10:00.000-05:00

Well I went on my trip to the Chicago Botanical Gardens this last Saturday.
I left the house at 8:15 the sky was a little overcast and a slight chill to the air, but it had been that way all week and usually cleared up in a hour or two.
I decided to walk to the train station for half an hour, ride the Metra and walk the rest of the way to the garden.
The Botanical Gardens website said it was only 1.3 miles from the train station. The Braeside train station that is, not the Lake Cook station that I arrived at. Anyway after half an hour of walking I was beginning to wonder how much farther it was. I was 95% sure that I headed in the right direction despite my knack at getting horribly lost.
So I plodded on for another half an hour when I saw the garden ahead. That was a bit of a longer walk than I had anticipated, but it was only 10:30 so no big deal. I decided to grab a bite to eat at the cafeteria there before I went on the walk in the garden. I needed some energy and a bit of rest for my legs. I got the last bit of breakfast that they made special just for me (lunch menu was just on) so I was happy. A nice cup of herbal ginger tea in hand I was off to check out the blossoms.
I headed right to the Japanese gardens and unfortunately the water areas were under construction and that detracted from the atmosphere of the garden. It was still a little early for the cherry blossoms here. Still I took about 30 pictures just in the Japanese garden and enjoyed it very much. I then went along and walked about half of the other areas and enjoyed the vibrant bulbs that were blooming everywhere.
About 12:30 or so I felt the first inklings of rain, but it was so mild that I continued walking.
The humidity in the air was just right. Moist enough where I could smell many of the wonderful scents of the flowers. Usually my sinuses are so dry that I can't smell anything. At about 1:15 I was starting to get a bit tired and decided that I had better make my way back. The train left at 3:20 and it took me an hour to walk to the garden and I wanted to stop at a Barnes and Nobles that I passed on my way. I grabbed a cup of mocha and a few mange to read while waiting for the train. I was able to finish one manga just before the train made its way into the station. I climbed aboard and just looked out the window on the way home.
Have you ever noticed how many dead and fallen trees there are along roads and rail lines.
On my trek back home the rain started coming down steadily, but I didn't mind too much, it was still warm and I was going to slip into a nice hot bath when I got home.
That felt so good! All the tiredness in the legs just seemed to disappear in that tub. I was exhausted though and went to bed extra early. I was still tired Sunday, but it was worth it. I walked 10 miles to and from the train stations plus however much I did in the gardens. Today I feel like I could do it all over again. I am pretty impressed by my endurance and how far I actually managed to walk. It feels good to get exercise like this. Your whole body gets tired, but your muscles are not sore like after a day of heavy workout.

I gotta pull the pics off the camera I borrowed and figure out how to post some here.
Later.

Spring Time adventures brewing up

2006-04-26T15:00:00.000-05:00

Maybe it is the weather warming up, maybe it is something else.
But lately my desire to visit Japan has been growing. I am pretty sure that I want to visit the area around Kobe, Osaka, and Kyoto. At the same time my desire to go and explore places is growing. Maybe it is just a desire for a test run so to speak. I think I am going to make a visit to the Chicago Botanical Gardens. With spring getting in full swing I thought now would be a great time to go there. I think I have been there once before, but that was so long ago that I am not even sure that it is true. I hear that they have a Japanese style garden that would be great to see. I want to borrow a digital camera so I can take a ton of pictures. I will see if I can figure out how to post pictures to this blog and share some with you all.
In my adventurous fling (and due to the rapidly growing gas prices) I decided it would be a great idea to take the train. Luckily the train route to Chicago is decent and should serve me quite well with the Garden being less than a mile from the station. I will see if I can grab someone to go along with me so I am not all alone.
I am also making plans to visit the Shedd Aquarium maybe in March and maybe even the Museum of Science and Industry this Summer. I don't think my class will eat up too much time. Who knows maybe I can meet some interesting people on these excursions.
I am not even caring if the weather is going to be rainy this weekend. I think I will go anyway.
A little bit of spending cash a packed lunch and a digital camera and away I go.
Only three days left until Saturday. I am getting more excited about this little trip than I have been over anything in quite a while.

New Frontier

2006-04-20T09:50:00.000-05:00

Tuesday I dove into a new realm of things for me.
I sent out a few e-mails to people in Japan who are looking for pen pals.
When I checked my e-mail this morning I had already received two replys.
I am hoping that this will teach me how to open up a bit more to people.
I am excited this should be pretty fun. Maybe I will even have someone to visit if I can get over to Japan in the next few years.

Mental

2006-03-31T13:37:00.000-06:00

I have been a bit depressed the last few days.
We had a small concert at our church this last Sunday. The music affected me a lot emotionally. I had tears forming in my eyes and my voice was wavering and my lip started trembling. Good music.
I watched The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. A good movie if you like the stranger ones. I felt like I knew what Joel was going through at the beginning of the movie. I could see many of the things that he did would be exactly the things I would do in the same situation. It was kinda wierd like I could have been looking at myself in that situation. It also kinda made me feel down as I was watching the movie because I connected so much with Joel.

I need someone that wants to talk about things and is willing to dig a bit to get me talking. Any takers?

Physical

2006-03-31T12:53:00.000-06:00

I did not make it back to the archery range. I hurt my left shoulder last Sunday when we were setting up for a concert after church. I was reaching up to grab chairs as they were being passed down from the loft and my shoulder just started hurting a lot.
After setup we went to a friends house and did our usualy workout. I skipped the bench presses because my shoulder hurt to much. After the exercising though my shoulder was feeling great. Until we put the chairs back up. My shoulder finally feels back to normal today.

I picked up Elder Scolls IV: Oblivion yesterday and when I got home I saw my brother playing it. Lol, I guess I get to return my copy. I did not get much of a chance of playing the game yet, but it sure has some nice graphics. Just walking through the forest is pretty. I am going to turn the terrain draw distance way up and see if my PC can handle that. It should look gorgeous.

I think a group of friends and I are going to head on down to Mitsuwa food market this Saturday. I always have a good time there. I definitely am trying some things from the bakery this time. There is such wierd stuff there and I always get so full eating other things taht I never make it to the bakery. I should look up a few recipes and write down ingredients to buy. Will do that tonight.

Other than that not much going on. How you doin?

Current happenings

2006-03-22T09:18:00.000-06:00

A couple of interesting things happened recently.
First off my sister who moved to Colorado stopped by without notice. It was nice seeing her and her husband. They seem to be doing well. We bumped into them at the Borders books store the next day. I hope to see them before they head back to Colorado later this week.

Second, I recently got an interesting email from one of my gaming buddies who I will refer to as GG.
Apparently GG thinks pretty highly of me, so highly that he ended up telling his wife's cousin all about me and suggesting that we would be good together. I am pretty flattered by that.
He was just letting me know that that had been on his mind lately, but he was not trying to go step over the friendship line by trying to hook me up (I am not sure where this line would actually be). I actually would not mind someone trying to introduce me to people every now and then. He has been trying to imporve himself as a person and improve relationships that he has with people by being more open with them.
This is something that I really need to work on too. I rarely tell people what I think or am feeling, I instead end up giving non-commital answers or not saying anything at all. I think I will send him an email reassuring him and saying that it is cool and that we should get together and hang or go and do something. I need to get out more and go out with people rather than all by myself.

On to other news. Last Saturday I decided to go to an archery range and fire some bows. I ended up trying a traditional recurve. I had a great time despite forgetting to put on a bracer and finger guards before it was too late. My left forearm was pretty swolen and black and blue. My right hand's fingers were numb and still are a bit. Still I had a great time and think that this is something that I can really enjoy doing on a regular basis. I went back on Tuesday after the tendons in my right hand were pretty much recovered. I shot for an hour and a half Tuesday and my fingers are not really sore at all today. It is not that expensive, $8 an hour for using the archery range and 5 for rental equipment. I think I may get my own equipment as it would be more enjoyable and I can learn my own bow's behaviour. There is someone at the range that is looking to sell a decent beginner bow, but he usually shows up on Friday evenging which are pretty busy for me. I will see if I can't catch him some other day.

Later.

2006-03-16T13:48:00.000-06:00

I am loving my Netflix subscription. So many foreign Japanese films to rent and watch. Plus I don't have to scour several different stores to find one that has a show I want to watch. I just queue them up and wait for them to arrive.
So far I have gotten:
The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
Lost in Translation
Millenium Actress
Ringu 0
Tokyo Godfathers
King of Comedy

I loved how they made Millenium Actress. Check this animated film out.
I am liking Stephe Chiao movies and I think I will end up watching them all. They have a strange otherworldliness to them while at the same time being fairly realistic.
Ringu 0 was interesting and certainly explains more of what happened in the Ring. I am getting the original Japanese version of Ringu to compare with the American version. I anticipate liking the Japanese version because I enjoy the pacing of Japanese films.

I was ill yesterday, so I watched the last three films on that list. I also saw several shows that were saved on my Tivo and watched a couple DVDs that were still shrink wrapped. I may catch up eventually.

I finished Scrapped Princess and Gantz. I liked Scrapped Princess and was fairly impressed with the ending. Gantz on the other hand let me down at the end. I still want even a glimpse at what exactly is going on.

I am an addict.

2006-03-09T15:38:00.000-06:00

Hi my name is Kevin and I am a MMORPG addict.
I had stopped playing World of Warcraft close to 6 months ago after reaching level 60 and not being all too interested in the massive raids or the PVP which is all that was left to do. I ended up playing again for a week or two, but was not grabbed by the game like I was originally.
However I noticed this neat try Everquest II for a month free offer from File Planet. Dang it! They had to tempt me didn't they. As I had just recently finished playing DragonQuest VIII on the PS2 I had nothing soaking up all my spare time. A couple of clicks later and the EQII files were working their way onto my hard drive. Now I am spending many hours exploring the lands of Norrath. I have also been spending many hours with the crafting system. It is kinda neat, yet a little aggravating at the same time. All the components have to be crafted or refined from the raws that are harvested. And then you can gather the components together to create the finished piece.
I ended up being a Berzerker / Carpenter. I like being able to craft furniture and place them into my inn room. Very cool stuff that WoW did not offer. Plus making things is much more involved and entertaining than WoW's version. We will see how long EQII has a stranglehold on me.

Actually I have been doing quite well in regulating my playing time to a moderate level. I have been reading the newest Eberron book by Keith Baker. Great book so far. I have also started going through my stack of manga and anime that I have bought and not read/watched.

I also signed up with Netflix. I saw the amount of anime that they have as well as the amount of foreign films including some that I have had trouble finding. I can watch quite a bit of shows at a fraction of the cost of me buying them. I hated renting movies from places like Blockbuster because they never seem to have the type of movies that I like watching and then I feel pressured into watching them right away when I would rather watch them in a day or so. Seems like a match made in heaven. There is about 50 movies in my queue nad over 100 suggestions. They were fast in getting the first group of disks to me. So far I am impressed.

When my siblings are eating up my precious EQII playing time (usually by playing it themselves) I have also been playing some of the PS2 games that I have not finished yet, like Digital Devil Saga.

I have also gotten a book on making paper origami flowers. I like origami and some of the flowers in the book are amazing. So far I have made a couple roses that ended up being sent to my grandparents. When I feel a bit down, something like this is a great way of getting a little pick me up.

After watching the movie The Weatherman I have a strong urge to learn archery. I have always been interested in bows and archery, but have never really done anything about it. This Saturday I am planning on going to some local archery shops and see if there are some places that have ranges and offer lessons. It sounds like a nice thing to get me outside and get a little bit of exercise also.

All in all, keeping myself busy in a huge array of different things all at the same time.

I feel like such a loser

2006-02-28T11:21:00.000-06:00

Well it has been quite a while again.
Here is the rundown on what happened on 2/7.

We went out for a nice dinner at a cool Japanese place I know. They have some good food there, I just wish they had more variety, maybe some more traditional style foods.
Anyway we talked a bit and enjoyed the meal. It was fairly late to start with and the time just flew by. I enjoyed every minute of it.
It turns out that she is into Japanese things as much as, if not more than I am. Very cool.

Typing this out is getting me depressed. My stomach is being tied in a knot as I am reflecting on the evening.

Before I knew it I was driving her back to her car and she gave me a kiss and said to call her.
I drove home with a goofy grin on my face.

That is where everything went downhill.
I don't have an explanation for it and don't want to make lame excuses for what I did so I will just say the facts of the matter. I did not call her back for a week. I left a message on her voice mail and have not even tried calling her back since.

I am wrestling with myself because part of me wants to say that it is fine and we would never have gotten along together anyway (why that thought pops up when I barely know her at all, I don't know) another part of me is saying that she deserves better (another stupid thought, who am I to say what is best for her). Yet another part of me wants to get to know her more. Quite possibly to just become friends and hang out or do things together now and then. We seem to have some interests that are the same. I just don't seem to be able to sift out which are my real thoughts and which are just excuses so I don't have to make social contact. I seem to always follow the path of least resistance and end up doing nothing.

Sometimes I feel like the only reason that I did call her was because of giri. Some sort of obligation to call her because she went to dinner with me. Other times I feel like I called because I truly wanted to see her again. I don't know which is the true feeling, if not both.

I feel irritated because I don't know how she felt. I get uncomfortable when presented with uncertainty. Knowing something make it sure, it is certain now even if it will change in the future. I suppose that is why I like facts. Once you know them they usually stay the same and you can rely on it to be the same. The thought that she did not enjoy herself and thus ignored my call pops into my head sometimes. What is more likely is that she was waiting for me to call her and show genuine interest in her. I don't know if I know how to do that. I have spent so long being self centered and self-relient. I don't know what kind of feeling to expect or if it should take some time to even show itself.

I am in such uncharted waters and that scares me. I really get nervous about uncertainty more than anything else. People are probably the most uncertain thing in the world. I can not even predict or determine how I feel, yet I expect to know how someone else is feeling?

I am so lost and trying to find a good christian guide to relationships that I can relate to is like finding a needle in a haystack.

Wandering in the dark with no source of light at all. That is how I feel when dealing with people. I got fairly depressed during the week after the dinner. I don't really understand why, but it was enough where one of my friends at our Friday night game noticed and even sent me an email, so I was probably wearing my heart out on my sleave for a while.

Sometime I wonder if I am meant to be single. I expect myself to be perfect even when I know that I am far from that.

Well enough of my emotional venting. I don't really think that I am getting any benefit out of this one anyway. Maybe I need to see a counselor or something.

What D&D class are you?

2006-02-07T15:48:00.000-06:00

Wierd little quiz thing I found browsing the web. Turned out pretty much like I expected.
Here it is my D&D class.

Wizard
44% Combativeness, 0% Sneakiness, 76% Intellect, 50% Spirituality

Brilliant! You are a Wizard!

Wizards are spells-casters who study powerful arcane magic. While
Wizards tend to be pretty fragile, some of those spells can pack quite
a punch. Unlike Clerics, Wizards aren’t as good at fixing people as
they are at breaking them, so watch where you toss that fireball…

Your most distinctive trait is your intelligence. You're probably well learned and logical, if perhaps a bit fragile.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 28% on Combativeness
You scored higher than 0% on Sneakiness
You scored higher than 74% on Intellect
You scored higher than 60% on Spirituality

Link: The RPG Class Test written by MFlowers on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Reviewing the episode

2006-02-07T15:41:00.000-06:00

Realized that my view on events last Wednesday were horribly inaccurate at first glance and by thinking through the evening, I do want to learn more about her. I need to let her know that religion is not just a big part of my life, but it is the focus of my life. I also need to tell her that I want to take things slow get to know each other and see if things are clicking.
Called her last Saturday to go to dinner today, she accepted.
A bit nervous, but still only around a 3 as just realizing what was making me so filled with anxiety seems to have helped a lot.

Status: Confused

2006-02-02T08:31:00.000-06:00

I was not as nervous as I expected to be yesterday.
On a scale of 1-10 I would say a 3 was about as high as my anxiety got the drinks at the bar kinda fuddle that measurement during the evening though.
However I was totally not prepared for the evening. We chatted a little bit at the bar and then went to play some pool. On the way there I was blindsided by some questions that I had never anticipated being asked. It makes sense to want to know those things before you get involved with someone, but they just are not the type of questions that I was expecting when I first meet someone.

I think the evening started out pretty well, but that I was subconciously blowing her off as the night went on. She must have sensed that, because she started asking me if she was scaring me or coming on to strong. I don't think that I realized what I was doing at the time, but I pretty much just shut down completely and shrunk into my shell.
I want to kick myself for not talking with her more instead of trite short noncommital answers.

I guess that I don't know what to think. I had a pretty good evening and enjoyed getting out and being with people. Iwant to get to know her some more, but at the same time I don't. I don't know if my hesitance is just my anxiety saying 'you went and met her and that is all that you have to do, you can go and curl back up in a ball'. I guess there is a part of me that wants a fairy tale girlfriend that just magically drops in my lap through no effort of my own. I need to realize that is a totally unrealistic expectation. I am not perfect by a long shot, so why would I expect anyone else to be perfect.

I think that I may be afraid of being a disappointment, a waste of time, and a bore to her. On the other hand I am also afraid that we hit things off as it is uncharted waters for me and I have always been uncomfortable with the unknown.
I need to realize that the worst that can happen is we realize that our personalities don't mesh well and we don't see each other again. A very plausible result is that we get to know more about each other and enjoy the time we spend together. Even if we don't end up together in the long run what can it hurt spending some time together.

I seem to be more anxious now than before meeting her.

Realistic thinking

2006-01-31T13:19:00.000-06:00

The last few days have been interesting.
It started Friday. I finally decided that I am tired of running away from social situations and want to change. So I went to Borders and browsed the self-help book section. I know for sure that I have social anxiety because as I was just standing there I started to have a mild panic attack. Ended up getting Painfully Shy.
Anyway as I was at the checkout buying the book the cashier gave me a strange look. I am not sure what the look was, but it seemed like she was surprised that I would be buying a book like that. It was a pretty funny expression on her face for that split second.
So on Saturday I decided to not put off reading the book for fear of me putting it off indefinitely, I dove right in. I read nearly half the book and it was pretty good with some good tips and techniques that I can use to help myself overcome my shyness. But it really helped to have someone able to explain why I feel the way I do as you get kinda blinded by yourself.

Getting hungry for lunch I went upstairs and started juicing some fruit and carrots. As I am juicing away my mom comes into the kitchen looking up the address for a bar. My mom never goes to a bar so that sent the first warning flag off in my head. She started talking about this woman she met in the doctor's office and said that this young women had commented that she could not meet nice men. Of course my mom started chatting away about me and it seemed like we had things in common, anime, role-playing games, etc. Anyway apparently this lady (mom can't remember her name, thanks mom) goes with a friend to this bar every Wednesday.

So as my mom is chatting away I feel the anxiety setting in and my hands are shaking like crazy as I am trying to chop and juice my lunch. I was able to open up with mom and we had a great talk about my social anxiety which I had kept secret for so long. We even continued it in a walk around the block. I have been feeling alot better about myself the last few days despite twangs of anxiety from having decided that I am going to go the this bar this Wednesday. I am not going to chicken out because I can do it.
I think the fact that I know ahead of time that we have similar interests is helping with the nerves too as I won't seem to "out there".

Instead of the ridiculous self-sepreciating thoughts that used to pop into my head even when I did not realize it like:
I will be too nervous to enjoy anything.
I will make a fool of myself.
She won't even want to talk to me.

I just need to keep realistic thoughts.
I may meet some people who enjoy similar things as I do.
I will probably enjoy talking about common interests.
I may even make a new friend.

Just typing out this blog entry has been fairly liberating and calming.
Of course I am not going to the bar until tomorrow, but usually I feel terribly nervous so much so that I feel ill as a social encounter nears. I would end up claiming that I was sick as an excuse to not go somewhere. I would then begin to feel better fast after it would not be possible to attend anymore. I was such a wimp, but I am going to be stronger and I realize that it is not going to be easy or fast and it will take some effort on my part, but I am going to put in that effort.

So wish me luck and I'll post about it soon.

Movies make me cry

2006-01-26T13:58:00.000-06:00

I have been watching the Miyazaki films as they are being shown on the TCM channel this month.
Miyazaki-san makes some wonderful movies, but Whisper of the Heart I watched last night.
Wow, beautiful story and the lesson he was telling really got to me and made me think a bit about myself.
I find myself alot like the girl. No real goal in my life and I am living from one day to the next. As I was wandering around in my thoughts I realized that I still very much see myself as a highschooler does. Now I have always been very mature for my age and when I was in highschool I had a job and was very dependable, pretty much what you would expect of an adult.
I never went to an actual highschool. I was homeschooled from grade 7. I guess that is why I like watching a lot of the anime shows that involve highschool ages, I end up putting myself there as I never had a highschool experience of my own. I never really interacted with girls near my age and still don't know how to talk with them. I would probably end up clamming up tighter than I usually do.
So in a way I still see myself as a teenager as I have never experienced the typical teenager experiences. I long for the close friendships that are developed and the social inclusion. For finding love. I had none of these. I have grown up secluded and alone even amid my large family of 7 I sometimes feel terribly alone. Most of the time I cherish being by myself. Being around people tires me and wears me out. I learned that for sure working at the mall in retail. It ground me down, but it also built me up at the same time. I had to learn to talk to strangers and to break out of my shell a bit. The problem I have now is I had used my job as a sales person to talk about what I was selling, but I still don't know how to really talk to a person. I feel that I am a great listener, but I don't know how to communicate how I feel with anyone.
So what I need to do is finish being a highschooler and graduate to a full adult. I think I need a goal to fully do that. To strain and train my abilities to a specific purpose and devote a lot of time and energy into mastering that purpose.
I just need to find my hidden talent, my gem in the rough. I think writing this blog helps me realize some important things about myself.

Go and smell the roses, NOW!

2006-01-18T08:00:00.000-06:00

Plodding along life's road forgetting to appreciate the scenery.
That is how I feel lately. Just trudging along and not enjoying the journey. And it is all my fault. I have nothing to really complain or moan about, but I just seem to mope around regardless. I am pretty pathetic that way. Still have not convinced myself to stop at the coffee bar I pass by.

I never make New Year's resolutions, but I want to build up my comfort level in group situations. Any time I am in a group, but not able to just disappear into the group makes me terribly uncomfortable. I have become a master at disappearing into a crowd and thus removing myself from the crowd.

I want to spend more time outdoors once spring and summer come. This last year I was barely outside at all and it felt like I missed summer entirely. I want to take a Saturday and just walk the park or head to the beach, rather than be cooped up in the basement playing computer games. Maybe I should plan on spending at least every other Saturday outdoors. The other Saturdays I can help tidy the yard and get some fresh air that way.

2006-01-04T11:18:00.000-06:00

I ended up having a very nice holiday. Took off of work the last week of December and just took it easy laying around the house.
For New Years I was able to get up north to visit the grand parents and see two of my cousins right around my age who had recently gotten married. Both of their wives are pregnant and I bet that my grandma is just thrilled to be able to see her great-grandchildren soon.
We played some nickel poker on New Year's Eve and had a good time. I even came out 2.65 ahead.
Next time I see them they will have little babes of their own. I am happy for them and wish them the best this coming year.

My allergies were kicking me in the head all weekend. Being around cats for the whole weekend really did a number on me. Usually I can tolerate cats when I visit friends and when I am feeling good they don't even bother me. But I had been dehydrated and not getting very good sleep at home and with the addition of the cats nearly did me in. Added onto that my grandma made some shrimp salad and even the slightest whiff of shrimp can cause my throat to get rough and scratchy and swell up. So the combination of all that meant I spent the weekend on Benadryl which messes with my sleeping.
It was all worth it though.

Noone really said anything about my dreadlocks except for my younger cousin Matt. He just asked me why. And the funny thing is I don't really have an answer to that question. I guess that I don't give too much thought to things like that. In 6th grade and up I had a crew cut because I hated brushing my hair every day. I kept the crew cut all the way through highschool. Then I just did not cut my hair for a while and let it grow out. I did not really have a reason for that I guess I just felt like changing something and my hair style is a real easy thing to change, you just let it grow. So I grew a goatee and longer hair for a while and then even grew a full beard and had hair down to the middle of my shoulder blades. Then I just wanted another change and would shave off my beard leaving the goatee, I even did a clean shave once. I hate shaving every day so I just let it grow back. I just trim now and then when it starts getting really unruly.

Some psychologist would probably say that I did such a radical hair change because it is easier than changing what I really want to change about myself. I would have to agree with him. I don't know what stops me from going somewhere and talking to people, even just going somewhere is hard.
A few days ago I decided as I was driving to the mall that I would stop by this coffee bar that had opened up nearby. It was directly on my way, but for some reason I did not stop, but just kept driving. As soon as I had passed the place I immediately regretted not stopping but apparently not enough to turn around and go back. I just don't know why I do things like that.
Similar thing with parties, if it is a party with close friends I am fine, but if some friends want me to go with them to a party I immediately get uncomfortable and don't want to go.
I need help.

Anyway Happy New Year everyone!

Not getting in the Holiday spirit

2005-12-23T08:55:00.000-06:00

It is strange. I don't really have anything to grumble or complain about. Everything in my life is going fine.
Yet I just don't seem to get that Christmas spirit. I am not really grumpy like the scrooge, but I am not joyful either. I seem to be in a limbo like ehh... state of mind. Almost like it does not really matter to me if Christmas comes or not. We have not even put up a Christmas tree this year and that doesn't even phase me. This blah feeling has spread though more and more of my life and is starting to bother me. I like being happy and grinning like a fool all the time, but I just don't seem to find the motivation I used to have.
I have heard that men have a monthly cycle, but unlike a woman's a man's is entirely emotional. Maybe it is true and I am going through something like that. Or maybe I just need a special someone in my life.
I am probably one of the lucky few who get along fine with all the relatives that I have and I look forward to holidays where I can go up north and visit the grandfolks. I usually go with my parents as my navigation skills are so terrible there is no telling what state I would end up in. Of course this year my parents said that they are heading north around Christmas/New Years time. This does not really help with scheduling days off as that is like 2 weeks. I'll work something out.

I finally got my car back from being repaired yesterday. It looks fantastic and drives like new. They even washed the car real good (something which I had been meaning to do for some time now). In celibration of my mobility I went out and finished my Christmas shopping. So time to wrap everything in 2 days.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Nothing much in mind.

2005-12-20T13:52:00.000-06:00

So much for posting regularily.
I guess that I see my life as being so boring that there is nothing worth posting about.
My car is still in the repair shop, they initially said it was going to be done middle of last week.

Last week my little sister stopped by the house to visit. I don't get to see her much as it is and she and her husband are moving out to Colorado soon. I wish them well.

Spent last week on vacation, but with no car I was not able to get out and do anything. I wanted to go and see a couple of movies; King Kong and the Narnia movie. Missed seeing King Kong with my old friends from the library I used to work at because I was feeling sick on Sunday. Some Zicam and extra sleep and I am feeling much better. I definitely want to see the Narnia movie in the theater. Maybe this Friday as my game group is not getting together.
Should finish my Christmas shopping soon, will see if I can borrow the car tonight to get it done. Then I can relax more as there will be one less thing in the back of my mind.
Been playing a beta MMORPG lately and it has been eating up most of my spare time, the rest has been used on watching a few television shows and completely redeading my hair.
My dreads were looking real awful as I had neglected them for about 2 months and they developed kinks, loops, and real loose sections. After spending many, many hours redreading they look pretty sweet now. I put some real small rubber bands near the roots and at the very ends to help them stay dreaded better. I washed the front ones already and they go all poofy and soft, but they held together pretty well. I will see how long it takes until the front needs to be redreaded again. I am guessing another two washings and the front will need to be tightened, so I might be able to do it about once a month. If I do a couple dreads a day it would be pretty easy to maintain. Of course I said it wouldn't be too hard to post to this blog every day either.

More car crunching action

2005-12-08T13:05:00.000-06:00

Hi again. I won't even bother with posting more excuses on why I have not updated this blog. Frankly most of them would not be true.

My brother ended up getting double tapped in the side of his car which ended up being totalled. That is 4 car crashes within a month for my family. Oy!

So I told you about the fenderbender in was in a while ago. Well I did not get around to taking it in to the autobody place. Then last Thursday it was snowing and the roads were super slippery and I ended up slipping into the curb with my front passengers side tire. I hit pretty hard as the wheel got shoved back into the rear of the wheel well, so now I have no car and they are working on fixing it.

It is a bummer, but at least noone was hurt.

2005-11-21T13:33:00.000-06:00

Well, I have been lax in posting lately. Gomenasai!
Last week was all sorts of busy. Talking to insurance people and the car repair place. Everyone was fast and responsive and very helpful so far. Got the insurance money to start the repairs and sent the autoshop the estimate so they can order the parts. Now I just need to check and see if they have a more definite date on when the parts will be in and I have to schedule leaving my car to be fixed.

Among all that I was lucky to be able to stress test a certain cool MMORPG game that should be coming out early next year. I thought it was very good and hope to be able to participate in the beta test. Can't really say much about it due to the NDA, so you'll just have to go here for more: www.ddo.com

Then this last weekend the weather was nice enough that we were able to enjoy the outdoors. Not much more of that left this year. We threw the football around and just enjoyed the day. Then we played Dance Dance Revolution for several hours. I am finally getting good at this game.

Yesterday everyone was over at my house and we were playing our Warhammer RPG game. We were starving so I whipped up a huge batch of miso soup. A delicious and real simple soup that is quite filling. I made like 12 cups of it and all I had left today so enough for 1 1/2 bowls. This batch was probably my best batch yet, I threw in some shitake mushrooms and they added to the flavor quite nicely.
After our game, we played even more DDR. My feet got real tired fast, so I will probably give them a few days off. I have been tempted to pick up that guitar game for the PS2. For some reason I have been loving all these music, rythum (sp?) and beat games like taiko drum master, DDR, the karaoke revolution games.
They are fun to play with a group too and that is probably what I like best is I usually play them when some friends come over, or when I just feel like getting some beat on.

2005-11-14T14:16:00.000-06:00

Wow it has been a busy last few days.

On Thursday my younger brother got into a car accident in my parents car. Luckily noone was injured. The front passenger sider corner was smashed up pretty bad and the power steering went out on it. Probably a lot more wrong with it too. The insurance company declared it a total loss.
So my parents spent the whole weekend car shopping. They should have something by the time I get home tonight.

Saturday I went in for my eye exam checkup to get new contact lenses and on the way home I got rear-ended at a stoplight. It was a fairly minor hit and just crumpled my rear bumper a bit and dented my trunk and knocked loose my left turn signal pod. Nothing serious and no injuries, but even something as minor as that can cost so much to fix. Luckily my insurance got back to me today and the other guys insurance will pay for everything.

Was not feeling very well Sunday evening. I wonder if the jolt of adrenalin and the shock of being in an accident just wore me out, but I was so tired I just kinda knapped a bit here and there and took it easy. A friend came over and we sang a bit of karaoke at home.
I finished Vol. 7 of Remote. The plastic wrap on some of these mangas are there for a good reason. Still a good series, but definitely pushing the limit of what I can tolerate.

Anyone know any good Japanese restaurants in my area? I am particularily interested in traditional Japanese food. I have eaten at Hayashi in Gurnee. I love unagi! Drop my a comment for any suggestions on places to go in the NE corner of Illinois.

Impending Doom! ... or Holidays

2005-11-10T11:29:00.000-06:00

When did it become 1/3 the way through November?
Where has all the time gone? I was just sitting here when I realized that there are only 6 weeks till Christmas left. I should probably see about using my vacation days real soon. The worst part of the Christmas holiday season for me is the shopping. I hate shopping when I don't know what it is I want to get. I end up wandering through stores and malls and not getting any thing accomplished.
I really hate seeing Christmas decorations and advertisements before Thanksgiving so I have not been watching any TV without skipping through the commercials (I love TIVO!).

Now I love giving people great gifts, but I am terrible at determining what would be a great gift for someone. Even my own familiy members take me weeks to think of a good gift for them, and even then I usually end up resorting to asking them or getting them something from a list they made up. This year I would really like to give some gifts that are original and not just something I picked off their list.
I also am pretty terrible at thinking up gift ideas for myself, mainly because if there is something that I want I probably have already went out and bought it. I am going to try and restrain myself from doing that these next two months.

Fortunately my family gets along real well and there isn't anyone in our family that I don't like seeing over the Holidays. I have not been up north to see my grandparents for quite a while now. I wonder what kind of reaction I am going to get for my dreadlocks. Probably wierd stares and "What did you do to your hair?".
List of family members I will be shopping for gifts for soon and their (current) likes:
Father (computers/music/old TV shows)
Mother (crafts/sewing/quilting/scrapbooking)
Older Brother (very similar likes as I do, has his own house so I might be able to get him something for that)
Younger Brother (also similar interests as I do, but also very artistically inclined, and lazy :) )
Both of my brothers like many of the things that I do, so these are usually fairly easy to get gifts for.
Younger Sister and her husband (I have no clue what she does anymore or even what her husband likes to do. My Mom might have a better idea.)
Youngest Sister (She pretty much spends all her time drawing pictures and chatting online while making a terrific mess)

So if you got any great ideas toss them out to me. I would appreciate it.
When life gets you down, just go to the up.

Getting back to the present

2005-11-09T10:34:00.000-06:00

It has been most of a week since my last post, but not a whole lot to tell about.
My bro's 22nd birthday was yesterday. We didn't do much for it as I get home at 4:45 and he goes to work at 6:00. But anyway happy birthday Chris!

Didn't really do much last Friday. Played our game, but I didn't really get into it. Friday was just an off day for me, was not really together at all. I left things at home that I meant to bring, could not really focus much on the game and was just generally out of it.

Saturday I spent some time sleeping and went to get my eyes checked as I ran out of contacts a while ago and my old ones where getting irritating. After that just chilled at home and watched some anime and read some more Remote manga, still good stuff.

Sunday was pretty fun. After church went to friends house where we did some benchpressing until our failing point (which I am still feeling yesterday and today) and then we gamed for several hours. After that we watched a movie and tried some dry sake that I can't remember the name of, something about snow. I like more fruitier sake better, but this was the best dry sake I have had. Sake is my drink of choice and there are so many different types to try. I love sake because even drinking a whole bottle I don't get upset to my stomach or even have a hangover the next day. Sake rules.

Monday was well, a Monday. Not much else can really be said about them.

Tuesday was my bro's bday as I said above. In our family we pretty much have the bday person pick what type of dinner they want and what kind of cake or pie they want. Sometimes we get a small gift or two, but lately we have just been pretty lax about that part. The thing about growing up and having a job is that you have money and probably have already bought anything that you needed or wanted, unlike when you are little and can't afford to buy the toys that you want and have to hope you get them as a gift.
My older brother came over and was talking with my mom about the insane things going on between him and his girlfriend. I work with my older bro, but we just don't talk a whole lot. From what I was over hearing is that my older brother's gf is definitely insane and so is he. It almost made me glad that I don't have a SO in my life if it is going to be like that. But then I realize that she is just crazy and not all girls are crazy, right? Right?

If you have not tried it yet go to www.websudoku.com and try out the latest puzzle game thing. It is simple and fun. Good for wasting time when you have nothing better to do like when you are at work.
That pretty much catches you up to what has been going on in my slice of life pie.

Grumblings

2005-11-04T10:34:00.000-06:00

I am so boring.
Every week is just like the last, but the worst part is I don't know how to change it. I should get out and do something, but what to do? I just don't have any experience in things like this and don't have a clue on how to get started. Anyone up for some activity?
Today is D&D game night so at least I will be getting together with other people, but I am not sure if that is going to cure my melancholy or just amplify it. Sometimes I get depressed when I go to the mall or overhear others talking about thier significant others. I just feel so alone sometimes, especially after my older brother moved out of the house and my younger sister got married and moved out. So our house feel more empty now, kinda like me.

Slightly late 5 week aniversary

2005-11-03T11:40:00.000-06:00

That's right on Oct. 30 my 5 week aniversary of my new knotty dreadlocks came around.
If you knew me when I was younger you would probably pass me by on the street and not recognise me at all. No more glasses cause I got contacts and no more military buzzcut hair. I gree it out long the last few years cause I am too lazy to go and get it cut at all. That is remarkably the same reason that I am growing a beard. To much effort to shave every day.
Any way with my long hair you have to brush it or you get some nasty snarls. So I get the bright idea one day when I was bored of dreadlocking my hair so that I don't have to brush it anymore.
Well that is true once you have mature dreadlocks, but that can take 6 months to happen. In the meantime I have to backcomb and tighten each dreadlock so they keep thier knottyness. All 28 of them. I can end up spending 15 minutes backcombing a single dread to make it nice and tight. So I sit at my computer watching anime backcombing my dreads for about one to two hours a day working my way through my dreadlocks. It is hard doing the back ones, so they are kinda pathetic looking and in dire need of attention, but the front and side ones are coming in pretty nice.
I gotta snatch a digital camera and post some before and after pics.

Back to normalicy, health, reading, watching, doing

2005-11-03T11:13:00.000-06:00

My cell phone stopped acting up. It must have been a wierd glitch in Cingular's voice mail system.

I have finally started to recover from a nasty cold and sore throat that I have had the last two days. Ahh, to be able to breathe through my nose again.

I finished playing FEAR for the PC on Halloween night. A creepy sci-fi FPS game that is kind of short but still good. Started playing it again on the hardest difficulty and am kicking butt.

Lately I started read Remote. It is a manga series about a young female traffic cop who quit her job and is about to get married. Then her fiance gets the bad news at work and his pay is cut forcing her to beg for her job back. She gets a job, but instead of being a meter maid, she is assigned to a detective who lives confined in the basement of his house and investigates murders and other major crimes. So she is this detectives eys, ears, hands, and feet as they solve these mysteries.
I have read up to volume 2 and just picked up 3 and 4. Very good series.

I have restarted watching the anime episodes that I have downloaded as there have been fewer releases on DVD that I am interested in. Scrapped Princess vol. 4 just came out and is waiting to be watched, probably see that one tonight.

Other than that and playing bits of the various games I own, but never beat, I am getting interested in the game go again. Especially after reading the blog of Jason D. who is a go player, linux lover, and computer programer, anime lover, and is 24 years old.
Too much like me it is creepy, must be some sort of evil clone. However seeing as I am not very good at go, am just learning linux and programming, I must admit defeat to Scooter. Muahahahaha! Yes I weant there. I only hope you read this.

I really can relate with Jason as I also have a lot of trouble with people. I just don't know many people and don't really know how to expand the circle of people I know. I pretty much have my friends from since 7th grade who were in the same home school group as my family was. The four of them are my closest friends and we hang out every Sunday. The other people I know are the group of guys (and now a gal) that I initially met playing Warhammer and then got invited to play D&D with. Awesome group of people, but have not really done much with them besides play D&D. Hopefully I get work up the courage to do something and get to know them better and let them know me better. Aside from them I have passing acquaintance with some people at my church, but none of them really have the same interests or are even close to my age, so that kinda leaves me with nowhere to turn to for meeting new people.

I gotta slink off to find a new box of kleenex now. Later.

Cell phone make me CraZy!

2005-10-31T09:08:00.000-06:00

I am about to drop kick my stupid phone into the lake.
I am sitting there watching TV and my phone buzzes with its you have a New Voice Mail message on it.
So I get my voice mail and it says you have no new messages. WTF? OK, wierd glitchy things happen now and then, but this has happened about 8 times already!

Oh Happy Halloween and Happy Reformation Day!
Some friends of mine are planning on going trick or treating today even though they are in college already. LOL, they never grow up. I havn't decided if I am going with them yet. Can I stand up to the cringe looks I will receive trick or treating with a beard?

Been spending the last day playing the FEAR PC game. Nice and scary and has made me jump in my seat several time while playing. Has lots of good action too.

Been putzing around the house not really doing anything this weekend, but should get to burning some of the branches piled up in our backyard. Got a couple of trees worth there and would be nice on a fairly warm evening, sit out toasting marshmellows kicking back a few drinks. Good times.

In the Beginning

2005-10-28T15:39:00.000-05:00

Da DA.
Anyway just to start things off I will say that this blog hopefully will be posted at a regular interval, but we shall see if I honor my word.
Mainly going to have ramblings and senseless drivel that comes out of my fingertips.
I'll start today (haven't I already started earlier?) with random bits of information about my life.
Born in Park City, IL. Grew up in Ingleside and never traveled around, so I have lived my whole life in the far north Chicago suburbs. Much closer to Wisconsin than Chicago actually, I have been to Milwaukee and many other parts of Wisconsin more often than I have been to Chicago itself.
Anyway grew up in small town that over the last few years has really been growing and is not really small town anymore. I used to pass farms on the way to school, now there is just department stores and dull subdivisions.
*sigh*
I sometimes wish that I was born long ago when life was rougher, but people actually had a community that they belonged in. Nowadays everyone is so wrapped up in thier own little worlds and they don't even acknowledge each other.
But you can't really change that so I try and put up with what I got.

More nonsense later, promise.